Contact tracers for Rose Garden ‘super-spreader’ event racing to find out who to thank

Contact tracers in Washington, DC are going door to door with a gift basket and card for the person who gave Donald Trump coronavirus. Workers from the district’s health department have committed to finding the source of the White House outbreak and rewarding them with a nice little treat.

Contact tracer Dylan Fring described an excited yet methodical search. “We started off wondering if someone had done it deliberately but our computer slowed to a crawl when we asked it to identify everyone with a motive,” Fring said. “We then adopted the usual technique, which is finding close friends. This didn’t work either because no one would admit to that.”

Despite the setbacks the team remain confident they will find the person responsible and hand over the basket of fruit, chocolates and preserves.

“We wanted to have a giant novelty cheque as well,” Fring continued, “but the department spent all their money on Donald Trump’s medical bill for three days of care in an American private hospital. The card is nice, though. It’s got 7,850,000,000 signatures in.”


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