The American Supreme Court has this week handed down new rulings, declaring that life begins at conception and ends in a mass shooting around the age of 10.
“The fact is life is sacred,” explained the high court in its ruling today. “Unless you’re talking about saving lives by limiting emissions, banning guns, or reducing the need for coathanger abortions. In those cases life isn’t actually that important.”
The rulings come in the wake of a new republican majority in the American supreme court, which has seen the small-government party enact a range of new precedents interfering in people’s lives. “We’re sick of the government meddling in people’s private matters,” explained justice Thomas today. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go repeal abortion, gay rights, and contraception laws. Can’t have people just doing whatever they want in their own homes, now can we.”