satire
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World
“Humans aren’t meant to drink milk” claims woman slamming tequila
The woman was heard loudly insisting “Milk’s not good for our stomachs” before throwing up from alcohol poisoning.
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National
Local drunk denounces Muslim immigration mid-kebab
“Imagine if this Aussie kebab shop went under because it had to compete with some immigrant’s food shop across the road. It’s just not right.”
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National
Brad concedes custody of kids to Angelina: “I can always buy more”
Late last night Brad Pitt conceded full custody to Angelina Jolie, shrugging off the loss, stating, “I can always buy more.”
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General News
Foreign Investment Review Board approves sale of Sam Dastyari to China
The Foreign Investment Review Board announced this afternoon that it has approved the sale of Sam Dastyari to China. The purchase came despite desperate attempts by Mr Dastyari to reverse the transaction in recent days. A spokesperson for the buyer said that the purchase was “non-refundable”. Scott Morrison stated, “It is a fair and resourceful…
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General News
Linguistics Professor googles the definition of irony
A top linguistics professor at Harvard University, David Campbell, did a web search for the “definition of irony” this morning, and then immediately collapsed from the sheer irony of the situation. His co-workers are now reporting that Campbell was last seen “Wandering around the campus looking like he just saw a ghost.” Campbell looked up the definition after one of his…
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World
Apple rumoured to be developing ‘NeverStop’ battery, modelled on its workers conditions
Speculation about the new iPhone has reached fever pitch, after Apple announced it has developed a new NeverStop technology that will allow an iPhone battery for days of continuous use on a single charge. Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told the Wall Street Journal that the development was revolutionary. “We really wanted to do something for the next generation of youth. The next generation of…
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Sport
Javelin expert really hoping to make the most out of these two weeks of work
Australian javelin expert Tim Nicholson has trailed into discussing his grievances at length during the live broadcast of the Javelin events on Channel 7. “I’ve really gotta make these two weeks count for something, or I’m in some serious trouble with some seriously dodgy people.” “None of this new generation seems to care about throwing spears…
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Sport
Channel 7 postpones Olympic coverage until every Australian watches ‘Zumbo’s Just Desserts’
Chief Executive officer Sam Higgins of Channel 7 has decided to delay all live and recorded Olympic footage until the Australian public unanimously watches ‘Zumbo’s Just Desserts’.
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World
Chimps begin to grow embarrassed by their close relation to humans
Reports have surfaced this week that Chimpanzees have started denying being related to humans, following a series of humiliating blunders by the human race.
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General News
Woman swallows medicine ball: just gets sicker
A Melbourne woman has questioned the medicinal qualities of 5kg leather balls after demonstrating that, when ingested, they do not to improve patient health. Katrina Tsun, 24, swallowed a whole medicine ball on Friday night in the hope it would ease her stomach ache. “To be honest, it just made me feel worse,” the disappointed…