News
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Entertainment
2005 Hottest Year on Record according to ‘Who Weekly’
Who Weekly magazine has confirmed what many climate scientists had already suspected: that 2005 was officially the Hottest Year Ever, and that 2006 promised to be “even hotter.” The 22-page, 450-word special report in the Hot Years issue was compiled by a team of two editorial assistants, before being peer-reviewed by the magazine’s sub-editors. It…
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National Archive
Singapore braces itself for onslaught of stern disapproval from Australians
The Singaporean government has resigned itself to receiving futile condemnation from trendy, Australian left-wingers for at least one news cycle, following its execution of Australian drug trafficker Nguyen Tuong Van. The Singaporean Foreign Minister has warned citizens they will be the subject of lengthy dinner party critiques, motions of censure from university student councils and as…
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National
Schoolies celebrate end of studies by getting drugged and molested
Year 12 students have once again descended on the Gold Coast for Schoolies Week, the annual festival where school leavers from across Australia come together to relax in the sun, binge drink and get raped. Nicole Withers, 17, of Pymble NSW, is a typical schoolie looking to wind down after a tough year of studying.…
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General News Archive
Viewer still unsure if Mythbusters are gay
After two seasons of watching Mythbusters, Redfern woman Sue Hooper still hasn’t reached a definitive conclusion about the sexual orientation of hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. Months of painstaking anecdotal enquiry have left her only “90% sure that Jamie is gay, and Adam is just his good friend. Or at any rate that Jamie…
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General News
Student broadens horizons with GAP year at private school similar to own
As some HSC students banally weigh up the merits of studying at Sydney or Macquarie in the new year, some like Barker College student Marcus Hawley are choosing a wilder unknown way. Boarding life will come as no shock for Hawley. Though his family lives at Warrawee, only a handful of suburbs away from Barker,…
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World
Failed suicide bomber jailed: placed on suicide watch
Jordanian authorities fear that failed suicide bomber Sajida Mubarak al-Rishawi, who was taken into custody this week, may try, but fail, to harm herself in prison. “We’re very concerned for her safety,” a Jordanian prison official explained. “Much more concerned than she is in fact.” Rishawi will be kept under 24 hour observation in an…
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General News
Lame satirical article labours point
A satirical article laboured the point yesterday, merely dragging out the headline for another 300 words, unconfirmed sources reported. As often happens with these articles, a point was made in the second paragraph, then only repeated with a direct quote. "That often happens with these kinds of things. A point is made then a quote…
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Entertainment
Washed-up star longs for the days he was a has-been
1980s teen heart-throb Corey Haim longs for the glory days of his failing career, when his name was a still regular feature in “not hot” lists. “I’d love to go to the opening of an envelope these days, but the invites aren’t coming in like they used to,” says the co-star of Snowboard Academy and…
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National
PM promises shoot-to-kill policy will only be used in emergencies, accidents
“The world changed on 9/11,” Howard said. “Before then I would have needed a good reason to pass these draconian laws.”
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General News
Late night TV converts viewer to Christianity
Spurred on by his viewing of pre-dawn television, 41 year-old printer salesman Andrew Smithers has found God. Smithers says that the conversion process began at 12.00am Wednesday with the Channel Ten chat show Face to Face. “At first I thought it was just an informative discussion of world events conducted by people I could relate…