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The Chaser’s Guide to the life cycle of a Rust Belt Male
A fictionalised version of a Rust Belt Male accompanied by a real-life Rust Belt Female.

The Rust Belt is the name of a region which developed distinctive rust after a period of economic decline and urban decay left the population unable to reproduce with the outside world. Many of its population evolved into a distinct sub-genus of Homo Americanus. As a genus (not genius), the Rust Belt Male(RBM) has a distinct life cycle and is only sustainable in a very particular microclimate of the mid-west of the United States.An RBM can be easily identified as it refers to itself in only three ways: ‘real’, ‘normal’ and ‘ordinary’.

Habitat
RBM’s habitat consists mainly of weatherboard, asbestos, mortgaged homes and widescreen televisions. Originally a fertile industrial zone sown with factories and watered with the blood of the workers, the rust belt was a victim of its own success.

Large swarms of RBMs joined unions and spread, like locusts, throughout the region, demanding higher wages and health care for their families. This stripped innocent capitalists of super-profits, plunging the rate of return on equity to mere average historical levels. The only answer was for capitalists to move their factories to places around the world where the healthy DDT of anti-union laws, protected by the electric fences of authoritarian governments, allowed the green-shoots of super-profit to prosper, never to be diminished by the burden of good working conditions.

In the Rust Belt, factories closed. So did the stores and schools. And worst of all, the bars. The brightest kids fled to universities and then to dot-com startups. Those left behind worked two or three non-union jobs just to stay afloat. Families broke up. Drug use increased. Life spans shortened. Less than half of them got their own reality television shows. The males who found themselves trapped in this low-status micro-climate were simply not attractive enough to be able to mate with anyone from the outside world. The Rust Belt Male was born. Once green plains, rich with factory jobs became a toxic wasteland of resentful nostalgia and resentful Christianity.

Diet and Health
The RBM’s biology is fed by a combination of entitlement and resentment, prescription drugs, preservatives, processed food and reactive emotional double-think. In turn, the RBM feeds its sexual partners with a constant diet of passive aggression.

Plumage and Defences
Like the bowerbird, the RBM collects a series of objects to lure a mate, and enrich its armour against predators and jobs. These objects are mainly backwards baseball caps, team jerseys and guns. Lots of guns, with military level firepower, arranged for ‘home defence’ in gun cabinets or laid out for easy toddler-access. RBMs hone their defensive plumage and present an aggressive display to compete with other males for social territory through a combination of shooting, and talking about their guns. With testosterone levels lowered by a diet of oestrogenic McDonald’s meals and corn syrup, RBMs artificially elevate their levels of testosterone through football, baseball and domestic abuse. After a pupating period of consuming large quantities of Fox News, Breitbart stories and Men’s Rights Activist blogs, while rejecting useless content created by ‘experts’ and ‘reality’, RBMs excrete a hard, defensive carapace. This shield-like armour is made up of layered plates of blaming the government for the effects of globalisation on their local economy, shouting racial epithets at non- caucasian people, and saying ‘faggot’ to people they don’t like and to gay people.

Language
The colloquial language combines simple syntax with received mimic-bird repetition of complex terms, like ‘elitists’, ‘deplorables’ and ‘second amendment rights’

Religion
Constantly presented with Hollywood representations of people more successful than himself, the Rust Belt Male has developed a thick defensive winter coat of self-righteousness. The interpretation of Christianity prevailing in this region involves being neighbourly to people who look like you, demanding unrestricted access to guns in order to kill anyone who doesn’t look like you, blaming foreigners for your poverty, desiring wealth through the lottery and getting your friend’s girlfriend pregnant in high school. The central tenets of Rust Belt Christianity bear no resemblance to the original text of the bible, but don’t tell them that or they’ll shoot you.

Mating
The mating cry of the RBM is delivered through a mouthful of Jack Daniels and Coke, and has proven to be an effective sexual lure for the juvenile female of the species, especially those still in high school. Reproduction occurs frequently through application of alcohol and the phrase ‘I just can’t feel it through a condom.’

From The Chaser’s America (Chaser Quarterly #6): buy it here.


The new book from Chaser Quarterly:
Charles Firth's Fractured Fairy Tales
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