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The Chaser’s Guide to the First Three Months of Parenting

So you’ve had the baby and for some reason want to keep it. Clinical babyologist,Dr Professor Andrew Hansen, shares some baby hacks for the modern parent.

Life! Many say, ‘Life begins at 50.’ But the latest medical research has found this to be in-accurate — of all babies born last year, 0% were aged 50. And just as well. The breast-feeding of naked, 50-year-old men is not something one should see outside of a secret meeting of the UK Conservative Party. Admittedly, some newborns look 50. If you’re worried that your baby looks like a geriatric, remember — she’s never too young to start Botox. Baby boob jobs are all the rage in LA! To ease you through the firs three months of being a new parent, here are some pro baby hacks. They’re broken down by subject, so when your child grows up to become a complete failure you can refer back and see exactly where you went wrong. Enjoy!

The Postnatal Ward
Your first experience of parenting happens in the postnatal ward, or, if you live in Tasmania,the local river. Parents in wards usually stay for a few days, unless they give up and flee to another country. In fact it’s estimated about 20million of the world’s refugees are simply parents who panicked. A long time ago, parents stayed in the postnatal ward a whole week. But that was back when hospitals weren’t overcrowded because politicians were clever enough to add numbers together. You might find your time in the ward a tad tiring. If you wish to catch up on sleep, you may prefer to ‘lose’ your baby in the foyer or perhaps leave them ‘accidentally’ in the elevator. By the time someone works out who the baby belongs to, you’ll have had a pleasant kip.

The postnatal ward is where you’re first blessed with the magical experience of trying to force your newborn to breastfeed. For some reason the baby won’t be able to do this, no matter how fiercely the midwife mashes the mum’s knockers like a bad tempered baker kneading an especially unyielding sourdough. This may lead you to wonder: If breastfeeding is impossible, why isn’t the human race extinct? (NB: Doctors have no answer to this question.)

Sadly, the good times won’t last forever. Soon you’ll be discharged from the ward —exactly six months before you’re ready. Some parents report being nervous about returning home. This is especially the case in Melbourne and Sydney, where new parents can only afford to rent a home half the size of the postnatal cubicle they just left. Not to worry though. Once you’re home, you can phone any number of experts for help. Even better, each expert will have completely contradictory advice — so there’s a veritable feast of opinions from which you can choose! Revel in the freedom!

Grandparents remember: In our day, we didn’t bother too much with breastfeeding. We used to give our babies eggs, raw eggs, from six days old, and there was nothing wrong with a shot of whiskey or two, especially to help them sleep. Oh and cigarettes, we’d let them puff on a ciggy, help them unwind after a busy day, ooh and rusty nails too, we’d feed them a few rusty nails each morning for digestion. What was the other thing, er… cyanide, that was it! That was a popular one. A huge dose of cyanide just before lying them down — lying them vertically on top of their head, as a rule.

Health
For some reason, the rarest of medical disorders are bound to inflict themselves upon you and your baby. There’s no illness too unusual, no rash too mysterious that you and your baby won’t cop it in the face. Don’t be downcast! You’ll experience an inner glow whenever you think how delighted other parents are that it’s you with the problem and not them. Most neighbourhoods have a nearby clinic you can drop into between 9am and 1pm on certain days. Simply feed your baby in the morning, change the nappy, pack some nappies,nappy bags, wipes, tissues, a change mat, spare clothes, a hat, sunscreen, toys, snacks, water, a bottle of expressed milk and a phone full of lullabies, then change the baby again, carry to the car, strap the baby into the seat, drive towards the clinic, stop halfway to feed the screaming baby, change the baby, feed the baby, drive the rest of the way to the clinic, feed the screaming baby again, change the baby, unstrap the baby from the car seat, discover it’s now 3:30pm, and drive home again.

Transport
No doubt you’ve been regaled with family legends of babies past who slept soundly when pushed about in prams or when driven round the block in cars. Well get with the times, chump! All that was in the olden days when prams and baby seats were not designed with ‘safety’ but with outmoded notions such as ‘comfort’ and ‘not making the baby extremely hot and irritated’. Today, ‘safety’ is in! Also in is ‘consumerism’. So if you find the range of products daunting, it’s worth reading expert reviews such as the internationally renowned medical journalmadeformums.com. They’ll really help you narrow down the field, with articles such as‘14 of the best new buggies for 2017’. Talk about Occam’s razor!

All you need to do is buy 14 prams and see which causes the least trauma. (Melbourne and Sydney parents note: A pram is larger than your apartment, so consider buying one to use as a permanent residence. In fact, the Coalition will soon announce tax deductions on all investments in prams, to encourage baby boomers to buy up all the prams and then rent them to young families.)

The range of car seats on offer is equally gargantuan. Purchasing one is a real adrenaline bet — a great game! Which seat might your baby last longest in before turning purple from shrieking and pass out? Perhaps the ‘BoomBaby Head Compressor’ is for you. Or the ‘InfantSafe 15-Strap Penis Masher’? Or maybe it’s the ‘Maxi-Snug Over-heated Medieval Oubliette’ that has the torturous features you seek. Spin the roulette wheel and let the BabyDollars™ fly! Voila! Congratulations! Three months have passed, and your baby is fully qualified to become four months old.

This article originally appeared in The Chaser’s  Official Guide to Bad Parenting: buy it here.


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