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The Chaser’s Guide to Sport in America

Sport is a pastime enjoyed by hundreds of millions of Americans each year, and played by dozens more. The enjoyment of sport usually takes place on a couch, although sport can also be enjoyed on a bean-bag or in a bar. There is also a small slither of the population who also participate in sport. These people are known as ‘jocks’ and they have been advised by their lawyer not to comment until the sexual assault charges have been resolved.

National Football League
The NFL is a set of 32 crime syndicates (known as teams), established for the purpose of promoting the infliction of long-lasting brain damage onto the best athletes of each generation for its entertainment value. Their job is to manage the publicity around these activities, and manipulate the legal process to protect the perpetrators of the scheme.The way NFL works is simple. Young men, often as young as 11 or 12, are recruited into ‘junior leagues’, where they are inculcated with the belief that acquiring head injuries is a noble and worthy pursuit. They are promised that their participation in the organised battles will lead to eternal fame and countless young virgins. Then, in return for exposing themselves to repeated concussions, young recruits are paid extraordinary fees from sponsors such as fashion labels, car makers, beer companies and insurance firms, which they use to cover the cost of the medical treatment they will require once they get too old to be useful anymore. It is a chilling cycle, especially as it is often older recruits who assist in selecting and converting fresh victims into the practice. Assisted by a series of lawyers, accountants and lobbyists, who intimidate law-makers to protect the perpetrators from the law. The NFL’s big event is the Superbowl, where the financiers of the spectacle run lavish advertisements to detract attention away from the brutal spectacle.

Did you know: The NFL is similar to Australia’s National Rugby League – except players drink Gatorade, not their own piss. 

Basketball
Basketball was invented in 1891 by Canadian-American Dr James Naismith. This is the first and last significant contribution of a white man to the game of basketball.

Baseball
Baseball is the American equivalent of cricket. It is essentially identical to cricket, except in two respects: rather than having teams of 11 players, it involves a team of nine players, and rather than going for five days it only feel like it’s going for five days. The peak competition in baseball is called the World Series, which is a competition that includes all the nations of the world that haven’t realised how unbelievably boring baseball is. Baseball’s influence on American culture is profound and can be seen by its influence on the language. Many phrases about baseball have been adopted for everyday usage, such as ‘throw a curveball’, ‘hit it out of the park’ and ‘I’d like to defect from Cuba’.The greatest baseballer of all time was Babe Ruth, who famously said “Baseball was, is and always will be to me the best game in the world”. However, this was before Pokémon GO. Baseball players are among the fittest athletes America has to offer.

Nascar
Nascar is the number one spectactor sport in America. It has been suggested that the key to Nascar’s popularity is the quality of the racing, or popularity of the sport’s top stars. The actual reason is that it is the only professional sport in America to which you’re allowed to bring your own alcohol. Advertisers pay top dollar to be featured on NASCAR drivers. It’s expensive, but can you put a price on having your logo on somebody who will most likely die a fiery death?

This article originally appeared in The Chaser’s Guide to America (CQ#6): buy it here. 


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