The Chaser’s Guide to Political Commentators

Political commentators are a vital part of our political system. Political commentators rehash existing information in order to fill up column inches, Facebook feeds and 24 hour news channels. In doing so, political commentators prevent the political system from being overwhelmed by too much original research and new information.

How to become a conservative commentator

While there are many political commentators in Australia, you can never have too many. This is particularly true on the conservative side of politics. As you would know if you only read The Australian and watched Sky News, Australia faces an almost constant drought of conservative commentators expressing their views. Andrew Bolt, Ray Hadley, Ben Fordham, Janet Albrechtsen, Miranda Devine, Alan Jones, Chris Kenny, Sharri Markson, Gerard Henderson, Steve Price, Piers Akerman, Rita Panahi and Tim Blair can’t be expected to pick up all the slack.

Given this scarcity, if you’re going to become a political commentator, you are best advised to become a conservative commentator. Not only is there more demand, it’s also much easier if you follow this guide.

You are the voice of Australia
Nobody knows the current price of milk more than you. Nobody knows the price of a loaf of bread more than you. Nobody knows the price of petrol more than you. Now that we’ve established that you’re obviously a 7-11 franchisee, you are entitled to voice your opinion on anything. Conversely, any idea you don’t agree with belongs to inner-city elitists, who don’t even know the price of the lattes they’re sipping because they paid for them using government-subsidised arts grants.

Use funny names
When you have to spray hate at the same people over and over again, it can get monotonous. To keep your readers interested, you’re going to need to come up with some funny names for your targets. Tacking on ‘nazi’ can be useful (for example, feminazi, unionazi, same-sex parentnazi). Suffixes and nicknames can make bland institutions seem scary. For example, Twitter should become the ‘Twitterati’, the ABC should become ‘THEIR ABC’ and people who are seeking refuge should become ‘boats’.

No matter how many weekly newspaper columns, television shows and radio programs you have, complain that you are being silenced by political correctness, which forces you to say ‘same-sex marriage’ instead of ‘faggy pervert marriage’. You are being silenced by discrimination laws, which don’t allow you to make factual errors about indigenous Australians scamming scholarships. You are being silenced by Channel Ten, which needs to go to an ‘ad break’.

No humour allowed
It’s best for conservative commentators to have no sense of humour. Instead, adopt a sneering tone against those who do have a sense of humour, and imply that their sense of humour is an elitist privilege that ordinary people can’t afford.

What’s Twitter saying?
Twitter is a leftie think-tank, headed by executive director Annabel Crabb. Whatever the mood is on Twitter, you should almost certainly be against it. As much as these people loathe you, they will also be your most useful tool for driving traffic to your articles. Luckily, analytics can’t yet tell the difference between a click-bait read and click-hate read.

Be white
You can try being other colours, like Rita Panahi, but it just doesn’t sit right, does it?

Topics to focus on
Australia is a vast nation, with innumerable nuanced issues constantly in flux. As a conservative commentator, feel free to ignore those and focus on this handful of pet peeves:

      • The ABC
        Your nemesis. Even though you loathe the ABC, you must spend the vast majority of your time watching and listening to ABC programming. Your main issue with the ABC should be its leftie bias. To best illustrate this bias, you must pitch your other articles so far to the right that an ABC story promoting eugenics would be viewed as ‘centre-left’. Remind your audience, constantly, that the ABC is meant to represent ‘all Australians’. Be sure to say ‘all Australians’, as it’s a much more palatable term than ‘bigots’. Q&A will provide you with the basis for much of your commentary, so be sure to screenshot every tweet which appears on-screen, as you may be able to get a week’s worth of articles from one Twitter handle alone. Don’t limit your analysis to the obvious targets like Q&A. Get creative. As Piers Akerman has rightly pointed out, Peppa Pig ‘pushes a weird feminist line’. Widen your scope to include Greens propaganda program Gardening Australia, lesbian parenting guide Play School, and the racist casting of Black Comedy. (Can you imagine a show called White Comedy? I think not.)
      • Climate Change
        Here is a list of climate change experts for you to quote: Maurice Newman (businessman), Tony Abbott MP (backbencher), Rex W. Tillerson (Chairman of Exxon Mobil), Ian Plimer (geologist/mining company board member), Gina Rinehart (mother)
      • Dole bludgers
        Anyone who cheats taxpayers is scum — your employer excluded, of course.
      • Asylum seekers
        These people are paying huge sums of money and risking their lives on rickety boats, just so they can pursue their dream of blowing themselves up in Australia.
      • Same-sex marriage
        All social change should be prioritised according to whether all poverty has been eliminated yet. If it hasn’t, unfortunately other social change is an indulgence of the left-wing elites. Sorry, gays.

Key phrases
Guardian columnist = Loony Left
Person striving for equality between the sexes = Feminazi
Woman = Frightbat
Bias = Something other people have

How to be a lefty

If you have perused the #auspol hashtag on Twitter, you’d be well aware that there is a dearth of left-leaning commentators reacting to Facebook’s failure to remove an offensive post and/or Facebook’s unjust removal of an inoffensive post. Van Badham, Marieke Hardy, David Marr, Bridie Jabour, Jeff Sparrow and Clementine Ford can only provide so many opinions about this pressing issue.There’s an opportunity for you to provide the important analysis that will become redundant sometime in the next six to eight hours when Cory Bernardi says something new about the gays. Follow these tips below and you’ll be topping Tim Blair’s list of frightbats in no time.

You are the voice of the working class
I know what you’re thinking: you’ve attended an elite private school, you’ve lived in the inner-city your entire life and your parents supplement your income because The Guardian’s ‘Comment is Free’ still haven’t paid you the $150 you are owed. Nevertheless, you can still be the voice of the working class.

Be unbearably scrupulous
Sure, your partner is pretty annoyed that you keep delaying your wedding, until same-sex transgender couples can get married in toilets in North Carolina. But why can’t your partner understand that it’s the North Carolina law officials who are crazy, and not you? Being unbearably scrupulous is crucial for leftie political commentators. Without this trait, the commentators cannot achieve one of their main aims: alienating mainstream Australians who would otherwise broadly support their cause.

Don’t be a man
It’s hard to accuse every male commentator of ‘mansplaining’ if you, yourself, are a man.

Topics to focus on
A world of outrage awaits you. Trying focusing your attention on the following:

      • Social media comments
        It is your duty to find examples of racism and sexism to share with the world. Did someone leave a homophobic comment on the Woolworths Facebook page and you’re the only one who saw it? Don’t let that hatred disappear into insignificance. Give it a platform, so that everyone can feel shit about the state of the world. Also, if someone posts something online with which you disagree, make no effort to educate them on where they went wrong. Instead, provide a link to their post and add the word ‘Ugh’. Never forget that you’re making a difference.
      • Asylum Seekers
        Australia has a strict border protection policy that violates human rights. For well over a decade, leftie political commentators have repeatedly responded with calls for more compassion. Nothing has changed yet, but don’t let that make you think your 400-word Instagram post won’t finally be the one that does it.
      • Race
        Even though you are most likely white, you must constantly bemoan the habits of ‘white people’. If you’re unsure who to blame for the social ill in your piece, a suitable answer is always ‘old white men’.
      • Feminism
        As a feminist, it is your responsibility to somehow link the new Beyoncé album to a feminist cause.

Key phrases
Capitalism = Evil economic system created by old white men who believed in invisible hands. Ugh.
Socialism = Good economic system that gets an unfair wrap for a few million deaths in the 1940s.
Conservatism = Political ideology that believes change should be implemented incrementally so as not to disturb the status quo, which is stupid, because everyone knows that change should be implemented after a petition hits 40,000.
Christian = Brain washed paedos.
Muslim = Victims of gross stereotyping by the mass media. In reality, they’re all like Waleed Aly.
‘We are a racist country’ = Say this often, so that no Australians can feel proud about the larger success of multiculturalism.

This article originally appeared in The Chaser’s Guide to Australia (CQ4): buy it here. 

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