The Aussie Guide to Astronomy

For too long astronomy has been left to the experts, such as NASA, who are clearly biased in favour of science. That’s why we asked DARREN FINCH, Jet Ski owner, proud uncle of four and a self described great bloke to give us a complete run down of astronomy including planets, stars, galaxies, comets and any celestial objects that operate outside of the Earth’s atmosphere.

WELL, when it comes down to astronomy I care about the four main stars of the solar system and those four stars that make up the Southern Cross. Those four are the only stars that should be taught in school and the only stars that should be used to guide you through the uncharted wilderness.

The greatest thing about the Southern Cross is that it can only be seen from Australia – mainland Australia – you can’t even see it from Tassie, which proves that Tasmania isn’t really Australia. Point is – can’t see it if you think that a single croissant is enough for breakfast or that kebabs should be eaten sober.

The only citizenship test you should need. If you can’t see the Southern Cross in this image, get out of the country.

Now for the nuts and bolts of the Southern Cross, the four stars that make up the Southern Cross are the top one, the one on the right, the one on the left, and the bottom one. Write that down. It’s important for  anyone interested in astrology or becoming a citizen. If you can’t recognise any of the four stars, it’s a scientific signal that indicates you should go back where you fucking came from.

‘Astronomers’ might try and tell you the ‘actual’ Southern Cross is quite hard to find. Ignore them. If you ever see something that even vaguely looks like the Southern Cross, you’ve got to stop what you’re doing, interrupt the closest conversation to you and point it out to your mates, or strangers. Learning about stars signs should only to be reserved for when you’re trying to sleep with a hippie chick. I’ve learnt from several hippie chicks that I’m an Aquarius. Which sounded great until I found out it was a fucking vase. If I was a horseman with a bow and arrow I might be into it, but I’m a vase so instead I’ve made my personal star sign the Southern Cross.

“The moon faking never happened. I’ve done several hours of research on YouTube, watching many documentaries that will blow your mind.”

When it comes to planets, it’s clear that the Earth is the best one and the only one worth mentioning. The sun, the moon, Jupiter, they can all get fucked. Too hot, too cold and too far away for me to care about them. We’ve never been there and we’ll never get there. The moon faking never happened. I’ve done several hours of research on YouTube, watching many documentaries that will blow your mind. It was all just a political ploy to take advantage of the ignorant and stupid. If you look closely at the landing video, the flag is blowing in the wind but everyone knows there would never be wind on the moon, and how did the camera get there? How did the camera get there? By a Hollywood director that’s how.

In the end that’s all I feel you need to know. Closely follow the four stars of the Southern Cross, they’ll lead you to a fellow brother with a Southern Cross tattoo.

This article originally appeared in Anti-Expert’s Guide to Everything (Chaser Quarterly #8): buy it here.

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