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Extreme Vetting podcast – Episode 24 – Tom Gleeson

Welcome to the season finale of Extreme Vetting with The Chaser – the only podcast to torture its guests. Below is a transcript of our interrogation of Tom Gleeson, the man behind Hard Quiz. Tom is so good at manipulating public opinion that he successfully campaigned for Gold Logies for not only himself, but Grant Denyer. Can he swing Australia behind Peter Dutton?

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Stream online at PodcastOne


Interrogation Notes

Subject: TOM GLEESON
Under Investigation For: COMEDIC CONTRIBUTIONS TO ‘THEIR ABC’

 

Dom Knight:

Tom Gleeson, thank you for submitting to this involuntary interrogation.

Tom Gleeson:

No problem. I’m just trying to do the right thing.

Introduction:

The level of sedition, anti-authority behaviour and advertiser-unfriendly thought crime has reached record levels, especially amongst Australian’s elites. Luckily, the men and men of The Chaser have been commissioned by Border Force to conduct interrogations and sort out the subversives from the patriots. In conjunction with ASIO and the Five Eyes intelligence sharing protocols, this is Extreme Vetting with the Chaser.

Andrew Hansen:

In the cell, Dommy, we have none other than Gold Logie winner himself, Mr. Tom Gleeson. What do you think?

Dom Knight:

Tom Gleeson, he’s really good though, isn’t he? Why did he win a Gold Logie? He’s from the Hard Quiz and The Weekly, and I’ve seen his standup kicks. He’s hugely popular. I don’t get why he won gold.

Andrew Hansen:

It doesn’t make sense, does it? But, I think we need to figure this out. I think we need to focus on the Logie’s, Dommy.

Dom Knight:

Must we?

Andrew Hansen:

No, we should. Because, the thing is, right, Tom Gleeson, he’s a mastermind. He’s a campaign mastermind. The mastermind at Grant Denyer’s Gold Logie campaign. The following year, he campaigned, and he managed to get a Gold Logie himself. So, I mean, you know what this means.

Dom Knight:

The Logies are bullshit?

Andrew Hansen:

No, yes, kind of. But, no, what it means is Tom Gleeson understands how to make things popular, how to sway the Australian people. That can be very useful.

Dom Knight:

I mean, if he can win gold for Grant Denyer, maybe he could win gold for Minister Dutton.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh. I think this could be Tom’s biggest challenge yet.

Dom Knight:

Are your restraints too tight?

Tom Gleeson:

No, I can still feel. I’ve got pins and needles in my left hand, but maybe you could loosen that a little bit. That’d be nice.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, no. We’d better tighten. We’d better tighten I think, because you’re not supposed to feel anything in your hands. That’s part of the procedure.

Tom Gleeson:

Oh, okay.

Andrew Hansen:

So, there we go. Where do we start, Dommy, with this particular victim? I mean, guest.

Dom Knight:

Well firstly, your full name.

Tom Gleeson:

My full name is Thomas Francis Gleeson.

Dom Knight:

Francis.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, Francis.

Andrew Hansen:

Can you explain?

Dom Knight:

Catholic perhaps?

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, I was brought up Catholic, and so yeah, I’m named after my two grandfathers. Thomas Patrick Gleason was my father’s father, and my mother’s father was Arthur Francis Goodwin, so I got the Francis from him.

Dom Knight:

How old are you now?

Tom Gleeson:

I am now 45.

Andrew Hansen:

He’s 45.

Dom Knight:

Whoa, how’s that going? So, that’s passing me too. How’s that?

Tom Gleeson:

It’s old enough that sometimes you forget how old you are, like I did just then. I couldn’t quite remember. I knew I was in my mid forties, and for a second I thought it might’ve clicked over into 46. I’m 45.

Andrew Hansen:

It’s not really worth remembering, is it?

Tom Gleeson:

No, I reckon 45 is one of the most banal birthdays you could ever have. In fact, I think I had a cupcake from my kids, and that’s all I did, and a nice dinner.

Andrew Hansen:

A nice dinner, that’s all your hope for, man.

Tom Gleeson:

I had a nice dinner.

Andrew Hansen:

I mean, do you even want to acknowledge them? Because, I kind of don’t anymore.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, my children get excited about it, so I have to get excited about it on behalf of their enthusiasm. It would be insulting to them if I just said, “Oh, it’s just another one. Who cares?”

Andrew Hansen:

How many of these children are living with you at the moment?

Tom Gleeson:

I have two children. I have a daughter and a son.

Andrew Hansen:

Was this a planned thing?

Tom Gleeson:

My wife and I, we stopped avoiding having children. And by doing that, we had two, and then we started avoiding it again.

Andrew Hansen:

So, I remember you did a bit, and I recall a bit in one of your shows. Before you had these “children”, when you addressed the sort of haunted look on your friends’ faces I think when they talked about how great it was to have children, I think it was to that effect. Is that right?

Tom Gleeson:

I struggle to remember all my material, but I’m going to believe you. I’m going to believe you.

Andrew Hansen:

I remember better than you.

Dom Knight:

We’ve been researching this, Tom. We’ve been going back over the old files.

Tom Gleeson:

Oh, okay. All right. Okay, so I’m just trying to picture it.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, I guess I’m getting at, how good is it to have children? Or, is it terrible?

Tom Gleeson:

I refuse to dislike having children, because it was my choice.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, what a cagey bastard.

Dom Knight:

You’ve got a couple of solid shows out of them, haven’t you?

Tom Gleeson:

Oh yeah, definitely, because I like to talk about things that are universal, and I don’t want to leave anyone out. That’s part of being mainstream. You guys should give it a go.

Dom Knight:

That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re here.

Andrew Hansen:

All right, let’s-

Dom Knight:

We fundamentally don’t understand on behalf of Home Affairs how somebody from the ABC, where we’ve worked for a long time in our careers, managed to win a popularity contest. It’s unprecedented except by someone pretending to be someone else.

Tom Gleeson:

No, I know. It’s very confusing, isn’t it? But, what I did was I’m just delivering at the ABC. I’m just delivering on what they require for content. So, I give information out to a diverse audience, and they appreciate it, and as a result of that, they rewarded me with a prize.

Dom Knight:

Was that the pitch for your show? Information to a diverse audience? Is that what you got to do to get a sharp? Because, we don’t know how to do that anymore at the ABC.

Tom Gleeson:

No, no, no, no. Well, no. Well, the way I got into the ABC was by being relevant constantly, not just 10 years ago. And see, I reckon that’s probably where you’re struggling.

Dom Knight:

That is fair.

Andrew Hansen:

So, this interrogation seems to have turned.

Dom Knight:

Well, this is the problem we have. Can we just step outside actually, Andrew? I think we need to put this back on.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, okay. I mean, okay. It’s a podcast. It’s not a Primetime TV show, Dommy. But-

Dom Knight:

Andrew, I think our first mistake was the guy who does the hard questions on Hard Chat. He seemed to turn this into a hard chat already.

Andrew Hansen:

Well then, maybe we need to ask him about how to be harder. Do you think?

Dom Knight:

Well, that will be useful. I mean, that’s what we’re working towards, increasing the level of hardness in our podcast.

Andrew Hansen:

I know, it strikes me that you and I are not very hard.

Dom Knight:

No, and a bit surprising Peter Dutton hired us actually, as quite a hard man himself.

Andrew Hansen:

Still think it might be just the result of a typo. I don’t know what’s going on there. Well, let’s find out.

Andrew Hansen:

So, Mr Gleeson, you’re an expert in hardness, or a self-professed expert in hardness.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah. Thanks for giving me a break by the way, it took the pressure off. I was feeling the pressure before, but now that you went outside and had a chat, it just gave me a chance to gather my thoughts, and I’m feeling more relaxed than I did before you left.

Dom Knight:

Oh, that’s good.

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah. You’re sweating less. That’s good.

Dom Knight:

Because yeah, you host this sigma called Hard Chat, right? Which is sort of the, for me, by far the least sanctimonious and dreary part of the show, The Weekly. It’s the part I enjoy. It’s the part I enjoy watching. But, you’re very hard in it. Do you write the questions?

Tom Gleeson:

I write the questions, but I also get help from writers. Yeah. So essentially, it can be a room full of writers, collective disdain for that individual. It’s usually brought onto them.

Dom Knight:

Do you choose a guest who none of you like? Is that how you choose the guest for Hard Chat?

Tom Gleeson:

No, no. Well, we’ve been doing it for so long, it’s become whoever says yes pretty much, hopefully above a certain threshold of profile.

Dom Knight:

Was it hard? I mean, did a lot of people say no at first? Or…

Tom Gleeson:

Oh, yeah. It was very tricky at first, because people didn’t understand it, because you’d try to explain it to them, you’d say, “I’m going to make fun of you to your face, but people are going to love you for it, because they’ll think you’re a good sport.” And, they’ll be like, “Well, what are you going to say?” And I’m like, “Well, I’m not going to tell you until we’re recording.” And then, once they started to agree to it, I think what really changed was Sophie Monk got a lot of publicity out of it, and then it turned a corner after that.

Andrew Hansen:

I wanted to ask you about that actually, Tom, because of course that interview with Sophie Monk got her onto The Bachelor, and redirected her career in many ways. Why don’t you use your influence to achieve worthwhile things?

Tom Gleeson:

Well, I only like to be entertaining, so being worthy is not part of my skillset.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, you used to do, I Hate You, Change My Mind, which was even more hard in many ways. Did you struggle to get people on that, given that that really great name for that segment?

Tom Gleeson:

It was tricky at first, but then Red Symons was very excited to do it, because as soon as he saw it, he thought, oh this is evil, so this will be fun. So, he couldn’t wait to get on. But yeah, no, we had a good bunch of guests in that, and I think Warwick Capper did it. People do it who understand that the media is fun, and it’s fun to mess around with. It’s people who are confident with their standing in the world I find don’t mind doing it. It’s people who actually worry what other people think, they’re the ones that say no.

Andrew Hansen:

Is that why the only person from The Chaser you’ve interviewed is Craig Reucassel?

Tom Gleeson:

No, it’s because he was the only one that was still relevant now. He had a success with another show that was unrelated to The Chaser.

Dom Knight:

And, to comedy. Yeah.

Andrew Hansen:

You say success. I mean, it’s more of a lecture about plastic bags though, isn’t it? But, we’ll save that for when he’s on the show. I mean, but why did you stop doing the I Hate You, Change My Mind?

Tom Gleeson:

I felt like it was a little bit too restrictive, because when you say it kind of presumes that you’re only going to interview people that you hate in premise. So, it’s I Hate You, Change My Mind, so it means that all the guests have to at least be controversial. Whereas, Hard Chat means you can give anybody a hard time. In fact, some of my favourite ones have been giving people a hard time to people who are universally loved, like doing a hard chat with Jessica Mauboy I found hilarious, because she just really doesn’t deserve it. Because, people say comedy is about punching down, that’s what I reckon it is.

Dom Knight:

Well, what do you think? Can punching down be funny? I mean, I think it can.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah. People say it’s, oh no, comedy is all about punching up, and people who are experts in comedy usually aren’t very funny, but they all say that comedy’s supposed to be about punching up. But, there is nothing funnier than punching down to someone who doesn’t deserve it out of nowhere. I mean, textbook case, Basil Fawlty paying out Manuel, funny every single time. Why? Because, he’s the least deserving person.

Dom Knight:

Well, you were physically punching down, weren’t you, when you took on Grant Denyer?

Tom Gleeson:

Well, yeah. I mean, I was just taking advantage of a certain height I had.

Andrew Hansen:

Did you form some sort of relationship with Grant Denyer? Because, you engineered this campaign for him to win a Logie, which worked. What’s your relationship with the man?

Tom Gleeson:

Our relationship only exists through the media.

Dom Knight:

Really?

Tom Gleeson:

We don’t hang out, no.

Dom Knight:

No.

Tom Gleeson:

No.

Dom Knight:

But, is it healthy?

Tom Gleeson:

I texted him to say, “Do you want to do Hard Chat?” And, he said, “Yes.” And then, everything else happened after that.

Andrew Hansen:

Does he owe you? Or, is his Gold Logie forever tainted by the manner in which you achieved it for him?

Tom Gleeson:

His Gold Logie is a credit to his sense of humour, because he’d let me, whether he realises it or not, completely hijack his campaign and push him over the line. And, without me, it may have never happened. So therefore, he does owe me to some degree, but I feel he paid me back, because what happened when I won was he publicly said that if I win the Gold Logie, it’ll ruin the Gold Logie forever, and it would just be the worst thing ever. And by saying that, he doesn’t realise that he made me win, because everything thought it would be… When he put it in those terms that me winning would be the end of the Logies, people thought, well that’s a really good reason to vote. So, he probably didn’t mean to help me, because he was campaigning for Amanda, but by campaigning for Amanda, he made me win.

Andrew Hansen:

Because, we couldn’t resist as the people of Australia to destroy this thing.

Dom Knight:

Are you the only person who understands the disdain that ordinary Australians have for the Logies?

Tom Gleeson:

Well, I just have been talking about the Logies the way that everyone I know has been talking about them for their whole lives. So, I’ve never had to pretend to take them seriously, because I never have, and no one I know has. So, it’s quite a shock to meet people that do take it seriously.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, there were people, weren’t they? I mean, what do you say to these people who object to you discrediting the Logies? I mean, you’ve probably been asked this question 20 million times, but not by us and on this podcast.

Tom Gleeson:

Yes. What do I say to them?

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah.

Tom Gleeson:

Well, I won a popular vote. That means the majority of the people agree with me that the Logies are a bit silly. So, if you don’t think that they’re a bit silly, you’re with the minority, and given that you work in broadcasting where you’re supposed to please most of the people most of the time, maybe you don’t know what you’re doing. You hate it, because it’s so true, isn’t it?

Dom Knight:

Thank you for cheapening one of the few accomplishments we managed to achieve.

Tom Gleeson:

No, well this is the weird thing though, Dom. See, because of the way that I won it, it actually means that it’s worth something. That’s the thing that’s so strange. I was at a service station the other day, and a guy, a tradie just yelled at out at me while he’s filling up his car, “Great speech mate.”

Dom Knight:

So, it is worth something. You’re right, you’re right.’.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, so for him, because of the speech and what I did, it made it entertaining.

Andrew Hansen:

Hold on, so you’ve actually saved the Logies. You idiot.

Tom Gleeson:

I’ve accidentally brought credibility back to the Logies, because the other thing is I was the most popular person out of the nominees, and I had the highest rating show out of the nominees, so I’ve accidentally restored the Logies prestige.

Andrew Hansen:

That’s a terrible thing to do, and you should be censured for it and punished.

Tom Gleeson:

I can’t wait to get the lifetime achievement award ironically.

Dom Knight:

Would you be campaigning for that? And, if so, at what age?

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, I might. Well, I think it’d be good to go back to back to get the Gold Logie one year, and then to ironically get the Lifetime Achievement Award the next year. That’s what I’m hoping.

Andrew Hansen:

When you’re only one year older.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah.

Dom Knight:

We do have at home affairs, we do have the whole of the Australian media establishment up in arms. They’ve worried about getting raided, and look, we’re obviously going to raid you. Are you still in, because we’ve gone to a few addresses, are you still in the Bush?

Tom Gleeson:

Yes, I live in a country town called Romsey. Yes.

Andrew Hansen:

Why?

Tom Gleeson:

It was really cheap, and you could get a big house that costs fuck all.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, yeah. Not a bad reason, but now I’ve heard Romsey’s has gone to shit, and they built this massive housing estate there. Is it the case?

Tom Gleeson:

It’s getting a little bit bigger, but the nation is growing, and people have to live somewhere. Yeah. The bigger controversy in Romsey is that the pub’s closed. There’s only one pub, and it’s not open.

Dom Knight:

How is that possible?

Tom Gleeson:

It’s not open. We are in an Australian country town, and the owner of that particular pub wants to have pokies, but he’s not allowed to, so he cracked it and closed his pub. It’s the town with no pub. So if you want to start a pop up bar anyone, Romsey, it’d really take off.

Andrew Hansen:

There you go. Now look, your roots are in the Bush, aren’t they? I mean, you are one of these real Australians we hear about? How real are you? I mean, how remote was the place you grew up?

Tom Gleeson:

Well, I know when to be quiet. That’s how you know that I’m real.

Andrew Hansen:

Okay, that’s good. We’ll note that down as a positive.

Dom Knight:

That’s very positive.

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah. Although, you haven’t been very quiet so far in this interview.

Tom Gleeson:

I’m trying to create content for you, so I thought I’d better be noisy.

Andrew Hansen:

Yes, all right.

Tom Gleeson:

Now, how real am I? Well see, I’m a very tricky one. See, I work at the ABC, so people presume I’m part of the latte set, but I grew up in country Australia, and I live in country Australia, and I like lattes and Chardonnay, but I grew up on a farm, right? So, that sounds a bit real. On an actual farm.

Andrew Hansen:

That sounds very real.

Dom Knight:

That’s a big tick for me.

Tom Gleeson:

But, I went to private school, so it’s like, oh, that’s not very real.

Andrew Hansen:

Your profile’s all over the shop.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, but then my parents went bankrupt, and they lost the farm, so I was poor. So, that makes me real.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, well that gives you a lot of credit.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, so I was poor, but I went to private school. And then, I went to Sydney University, and that’s prestigious. So, yeah. I’m very confusing.

Andrew Hansen:

That’s a pretty mixed bag. I don’t know what to write in this.

Tom Gleeson:

I love myself and I’m down to earth at the same time.

Dom Knight:

So, just a second, can we just step out, Andrew?

Andrew Hansen:

We’re going to step out.

Dom Knight:

I’m struggling with this, Andrew. He’s an ABC dork who won a Gold Logie, he’s a guy from the country who likes lattes and went to private school-

Andrew Hansen:

He was poor, but now he’s not. I’m not just wondering what to write in the system here about Tom Gleeson.

Dom Knight:

Well, I wonder if he could be some sort of double agent for us. I mean, he already is in a way, as a real Australian at the ABC. Do you think he could pull it off?

Andrew Hansen:

They could use one, couldn’t they?

Dom Knight:

Well, the other thing is if he can convince Australians to vote a certain way, I think Minister Dutton could really use it.

Andrew Hansen:

We could fix up the ABC, actually.

Dom Knight:

We could.

Andrew Hansen:

We could fix the whole fucking place.

Dom Knight:

We could make him the new Kerry O’Brien. He’s already got the red hair.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, let’s go in and ask him some ABC related questions.

Dom Knight:

Let’s just, yeah, win him over.

Andrew Hansen:

All right. Mr Gleason?

Tom Gleeson:

Yes.

Andrew Hansen:

Now, the ABC, supposed to be a champion of diversity, and yet the Wednesday comedy lineup features you, Charlie Pickering, and Shaun Mcallef. Can you explain yourself?

Tom Gleeson:

Yes.

Andrew Hansen:

First of all, let me say from the perspective of the department of home affairs, this is a great thing. I’m not criticizing. Do you think you can keep this trend continuing at the ABC?

Tom Gleeson:

Hopefully. I hope that we can, yes. I mean, I feel like I represent diversity, because I’m taller than usual, so I’m a lot taller than the average.

Dom Knight:

Is that why they gave you the job?

Tom Gleeson:

I think so.

Andrew Hansen:

To tick that box of tallness.

Tom Gleeson:

Yes. I’ve always got fair skin. That’s an unusual condition. And also, I am on TV, and I have male pattern baldness. That’s very unusual. Most TV hosts, especially Gold Logie winners, try to correct that, and I’ve done nothing about it. So, I add a bit of diversity on that front. So, I think I’m diverse enough, but I still fit your brief.

Andrew Hansen:

I see what you mean. Is there a chance that you could work out a way then, speaking of this, I know you tick a few diversity boxes, but The Chaser ticks none, right? Because, we’re sort of five or six just white men, but I mean, we used to be the mainstay of topical comedy on ABC TV. We now can’t get a show commissioned, because there’s a much less fun, interesting show called The Weekly that takes up the same role that we used to fulfill. How much longer are you going to hog that spot before we’re allowed back in?

Tom Gleeson:

What I could do is I could get you all to do Hard Chat on successive weeks, and see-

Andrew Hansen:

Ah, that’s not a bad way.

Tom Gleeson:

Because, and Sophie Monk style bring you to the new ABC audience, and re-invent you.

Dom Knight:

The Gleeson effect.

Tom Gleeson:

Yes.

Andrew Hansen:

This sounds wonderful. We need the touch of Gleeson, I feel.

Tom Gleeson:

And then, I’ll bring you all back, and then I’ll reassemble your group ironically-

Andrew Hansen:

In an ironic way.

Tom Gleeson:

In an ironic way, and then everyone would go, “Wow, look at this.” And, you can call your show the white men hour or something.

Dom Knight:

I mean, let’s be clear, it’s The Weekly with Charlie Pickering, and yet you are the one that won the Gold Logie.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, you’ve got the interesting segment too.

Dom Knight:

Could you stop carrying him, and come over to us?

Tom Gleeson:

Oh. What are you offering me? Do I get a segment in your show? I mean, I am white.

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah, it could be called the white men hour.

Tom Gleeson:

About the same age, went to private school too.

Andrew Hansen:

Went to private school, got all the same sort of privileges.

Tom Gleeson:

A Sydney private school.

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah, best of all.

Tom Gleeson:

Yes.

Andrew Hansen:

The white men hour with Tom Gleeson?

Tom Gleeson:

Would I host it or something and you could be my rag tag bunch of sketch people?

Dom Knight:

We could call it the whitey.

Tom Gleeson:

I think this would really work, and I reckon I could be like David Frost, and you could be like, new talent.

Andrew Hansen:

We’d be the interesting new talent, and you’d boss us around.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah. I think it would work.

Andrew Hansen:

Let’s pitch this. I mean, and you’re right. It ticks the diversity box ironically. Its perfect.

Tom Gleeson:

It does, but we’d be doing it deliberately, because we’d make jokes about it all the time. We would constantly make jokes about the fact that there are no women in the show, and how we should be doing better, but during all that, there’d be no women in the show.

Andrew Hansen:

No, it’s a perfect solution, because all the woke people would think oh, that’s great, they’re being so ironic. This show’s fantastic.

Tom Gleeson:

But, at the same time, we would be closing them out of a job, because we’d be satisfies, but in an ironic way.

Andrew Hansen:

Exactly. Just like Outsiders on Sky News, which is Minister Dutton’s favourite show, so-

Tom Gleeson:

Oh, I love that show, because the layers of irony on that show-

Andrew Hansen:

Unintended irony.

Tom Gleeson:

Well, they’re crushing. They’re crushing sometimes, then I’ll watch it.

Andrew Hansen:

They’re so heavy. Heavy layers.

Tom Gleeson:

Heavy, heavy layers. I love it.

Andrew Hansen:

Those layers.

Dom Knight:

Tom, somehow you seem to understand the ordinary Australian voter in a way that we certainly never have. We never won anything for popularity, and probably never will. Could you get Peter Dutton a Gold Logie? If Grant Denyer can be sold, what about Dutto? Any chance? Hard Chat, Hard Quiz.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah. It’s tricky, isn’t it? I mean, this is the thing, I did get a Gold Logie for me, and I don’t look dissimilar to Peter Dutton. I have very similar basic features, so he’s not being held back visually. I’m just saying, because if I could get it, he could get it. Ray Meagher, Alf Stewart, he won, again, with a very similar look.

Andrew Hansen:

That’s true. Maybe that is the look.

Tom Gleeson:

Maybe it’s the look now. Yeah. I’m just trying to think. See, I think people enjoy my shenanigans, because there are no real world results from what I do, so people can just enjoy me being badly behaved, and it doesn’t actually affect anyone’s lives. Whereas, problem with Peter Dutton is, see, this is the issue I’ve got with Peter Dutton, is that it does actually affect people’s lives. So, is there any way we can lessen his power so that he can then become more lovable?

Dom Knight:

Well, It’s possible. Look, one of our stablemates nowadays at PodcastOne is he’s Christopher Pyne. He’s come across to the entertainment industry. I suspect Minister Dutton might be a harder sell as a sort of lightened and friendly presenter that we could try.

Tom Gleeson:

Well, Christopher Pyne is a hard sell. I mean, already him on his own, I love the idea of somebody who is so self absorbed, and this is coming from me, is so self-absorbed that they finished politics and think, I think people need to hear more from me.

Andrew Hansen:

I need a podcast.

Tom Gleeson:

It’s extraordinary. But see, maybe he’s onto something. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I reckon Peter Dutton needs a podcast. Maybe he should do a podcast, and via that-

Andrew Hansen:

This is great idea.

Tom Gleeson:

And, we make it one of those cool podcasts where it’s a podcast, but we film it, which-

Andrew Hansen:

So, we get to see the look.

Tom Gleeson:

See what it looks like, yeah.

Andrew Hansen:

And, see him, because-

Tom Gleeson:

No, because then it’s a TV show, and then it makes it eligible for a Logie.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, it’s got to be the eligibility. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that’s a great idea, what would you call the Peter Dutton podcast?

Tom Gleeson:

Well, you’ve got to soft him up a bit. Dutts or something.

Andrew Hansen:

But, the most common podcasts are going to true crime ones, aren’t they? Aren’t they called things like serial or S-towns?

Tom Gleeson:

He could do that. He’s an ex-Queensland cop. He would know where plenty of bodies were buried surely.

Andrew Hansen:

You could do a true crime podcast with Peter Dutton, and it’s called Dutts-town, or something else.

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, and he only does stories about crimes that he solved personally.

Andrew Hansen:

That would be great.

Tom Gleeson:

Dutto-town, is that what you called it?

Andrew Hansen:

Dutto-town or Dutt-town. His name’s almost Peter Duttown.

Tom Gleeson:

I reckon this could work, because then also a popular crime podcast, and then, yeah, and then somehow I have to parlay that across into an ABC documentary, and then from there, get him nominated for best newcomer, maybe get him the best newcomer Logie first, I reckon I could do that. And then, the Gold Logie, I’d have to get that down the track.

Dom Knight:

Well, he could join the Wednesday night comedy lineup, couldn’t he? On the ABC. He’s a white bloke with no hair.

Tom Gleeson:

Oh yeah, he could easily be in there. Where would we put him? Maybe a five minute little semi Jay type spot before Hard Quiz starts. Good day, it’s Dutto. I’ll talk you through the news of the week. The coalition’s kicking goals again as usual, and then he’d moved to the next segment.

Dom Knight:

So, you’re on board? Can we sign you up?

Tom Gleeson:

Yeah, as just a producing role. I want to be a floating producer. I don’t want to be on air, if that’s all right.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh no, that’s better. We want you to be the puppet master who gets Peter Dutton a Gold Logie.

Tom Gleeson:

And, I don’t want my name to be on the show either, but could I have a stage name for the credits? Because, I know if my name comes up during the credits, I just know that, I mean just between you and me, if we’re going to be really honest here, obviously it’s going to annoy some ABC viewers. So, maybe would you reckon I’ll… I just worry what they’ll think.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, they’re a pretty diverse lot.

Tom Gleeson:

And, this is a cash gig, isn’t it?

Andrew Hansen:

I think the project is go.

Tom Gleeson:

Let’s do it.

Dom Knight:

Tom Gleeson, thank you very much for submitting to our detention.

Tom Gleeson:

Oh, that’s no problem, and I always find it’s better to talk about these things just privately, and so I’ll give you the email address to cave, and we can sort this out.

Andrew Hansen:

Okay, that sounds great. Look, here we go. I’ll just undo those hand restraints. Hope you get the feeling back, it should return within the next 24 hours.

Tom Gleeson:

All right, thank you.

Voiceover:

Extreme Vetting With The Chaser was written and presented by Dom Knight, Charles Firth, and Andrew Hansen, recorded in collaboration with PodcastOne Australia, produced by Alex Mitchell, and audio production by Darcy Thomson. For all episodes, search Extreme Vetting Podcast. Listen for free at podcastoneaustralia.com.au, or download the new PodcastOne Australia app.

 






 

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