LATEST
POPULAR
Extreme Vetting podcast – Episode 21 – Judith Lucy

Welcome back to another season of Extreme Vetting with The Chaser – the only podcast to torture its guests. Below is a transcript of our interrogation of comedy legend Judith Lucy. If she can’t help Border Force’s cause, maybe her next Spiritual Journey will be to Nauru?

Remember to hit the subscribe button on your podcast app of choice.



Stream online at PodcastOne


Interrogation Notes

Subject: JUDITH LUCY
Under Investigation For: JUVENILE SHOWER DODGING

 

Charles Firth:

Judith Lucy, thank you for submitting to this involuntary interrogation.

Judith Lucy:

I want to say my pleasure, but that seems the wrong thing to say under the circumstances.

Introduction:

The level of sedition, anti-authority behaviour and advertiser- unfriendly thought crime has reached record levels, especially amongst Australian’s elites. Luckily, the men and men of The Chaser have been commissioned by Border Force to conduct interrogations and sort out the subversives from the patriots. In conjunction with ASIO and the Five Eyes intelligence sharing protocols, this is Extreme Vetting with the Chaser.

Charles Firth:

Today’s detainee has been in Australian comedy for decades. Done lots of TV on the ABC, and a live comedy show about being fired from her commercial radio show. It’s Judith Lucy.

Andrew Hansen:

Judith Lucy, of course. Beloved figure right across the country, and I think there’s a huge amount that we could probably learn from Judith Lucy here at the department. Also, Charles, of course, most importantly we’re in the market of suffering, and Judith knows what it is to suffer. She was once in a movie where she had to kiss Mick Molloy.

Charles Firth:

Oh my God, it’s bitter immediately. Judith, can we start with your full name please?

Judith Lucy:

Sure. Do you want the confirmation name as well?

Charles Firth:

Yes.

Andrew Hansen:

What’s that? What’s a confirmation name?

Judith Lucy:

Oh, well, just… What’s wrong with you? Clearly not a Catholic upbringing.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, it’s one of these Catholic things.

Judith Lucy:

Yes. So the whole name is Judith Mary Lucy, because basically if you were brought up Catholic, your middle name was inevitably Mary, Margaret or Marie. And if we throw in my confirmation name, it’s Judith Mary Catherine Lucy.

Charles Firth:

What’s the origins of this, Catherine business?

Judith Lucy:

I can’t remember. I think I was probabilistic Katharine Hepburn fan. It doesn’t sound very biblical, does it?

Charles Firth:

Did you choose it?

Judith Lucy:

Yes.

Charles Firth:

You chose Catherine?

Judith Lucy:

Absolutely. I did. I did. And that’s the end of that story. It’s really nothing else to say about it.

Andrew Hansen:

I can’t imagine why.

Judith Lucy:

You put on these little dresses that made you look like you were getting married when you were eight. It was thrilling, but you were really just getting married to Christ.

Andrew Hansen:

What sort of dressed did they make you wear?

Judith Lucy:

Oh, well, literally like a little bride’s dress. So it was full length, it was white. I mean, I remember that one of the other students had the audacity to wear a denim dress and understandably my mother referred to her as a whore.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, it was the eighties I assume, so most dresses would have been denim.

Judith Lucy:

Well, I think it would have been the 70s.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, so they would have been denim dresses.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah. But there was no place for the denim dress in the house of the Lord.

Charles Firth:

So Judith what is your age?

Judith Lucy:

What is my age? I’m 51.

Charles Firth:

And where did you grow up?

Judith Lucy:

Yes, I know, I’m surprised I’m still alive as well. I grew up in the wonderful state of Western Australia in a little suburb called Melville, which is quite close to Fremantle to give people some idea.

Charles Firth:

Right. And what’s the worst thing you did as a kid?

Judith Lucy:

Oh, this is difficult because I was such a goody two shoes, although I did once bite Lynette Feeney on the arm when I was nine because she got to ring the school bell, which was in an all girl Catholic primary school that was about as exciting as it got. And I was quite put out that Lynette was getting to ring that bell and not me. So I’m afraid I resorted well to biting her.

Andrew Hansen:

You bit her on the arm, was this an attempt to, to actually literally sabotage the bell ringing arm was it that well thought through?

Judith Lucy:

I would imagine so. I would imagine that was my canny plan. “Try ringing the bell now. Now that your arm is bleeding, now that you’re haemorrhaging Feeney, try that.” But you see, this is how sucky I was though because I did know that it was probably not a good idea in many respects to bite Lynette Feeney on the arm. So before she could dub on me, I went up to the teacher, confessed, actually came up with my own punishment and she was so impressed that she let me off. It’s amazing I didn’t go into politics.

Andrew Hansen:

That is the most Catholic thing I’ve ever heard. Is that you went up and you suggested a punishment.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah.

Andrew Hansen:

What was it?

Judith Lucy:

But it got me off the hook entirely. Picking up rubbish. That was generally what you did.

Andrew Hansen:

And they accepted this punishment as-

Judith Lucy:

Well, as I say, she so accepted the punishment. She said that I didn’t have to do anything, so did it again.

Andrew Hansen:

It certainly explains the Catholic church in their approach to lots of things.

Judith Lucy:

It does, doesn’t it? Although, admittedly, I admitted to something which is not very Catholic in many respects-

Andrew Hansen:

Well, we will note you down.

Judith Lucy:

… and say that I should be punished. Again, that’s not very…

Charles Firth:

I’ll tell you what, arm biting could become a useful tool in our department. If we were able to flip you, maybe we could get you to bite other people’s arms.

Judith Lucy:

Oh, well look, these jaws are just like a vice. Yeah, I think it would really be to your advantage to flipping.

Andrew Hansen:

That sounds great. Well let’s write you down as a potential official arm biter.

Judith Lucy:

As a potential government arm biter. It’s not how I saw my sunset years, but that’s fine, why not?

Andrew Hansen:

Well, there’s good pension in it. The department is very interested in innovative punishments. Now we understand you’re the figurehead of a mass social movement at the moment. Can you explain what this bachelorette campaign is all about?

Judith Lucy:

I have maintained a dignified distance from said campaign, but I will tell you that the story is that I was doing an interview with Virginia Trioli plugging a benefit as many comedians are often known to do. And in the middle of the interview, a listener texted in and suggested that I go on the bachelorette. Now, a friend of mine, Nellie Thomas, happened to be listening and she tweeted about that and apparently it got a little bit of traction. So then she said to me, well, she texted me and said, “Can I start a petition?”

Judith Lucy:

In all honesty, I think trying to get her friend, that being me laid and PS that has not happened gentlemen. Anyway-

Andrew Hansen:

Really? Despite all those retweets?

Judith Lucy:

Exactly.

Andrew Hansen:

How many retweets do you need to get a bit of action? I mean-

Judith Lucy:

If you’re going to talk the talk gentleman, walk the walk. That’s what I’m saying. So don’t leave me hanging. But anyway, I honestly thought about five people would sign it and nearly admitted to me recently, the chief thought 500 people would sign it tops. And people have embraced it a little more than either of us at the awards.

Judith Lucy:

So obviously channel 10 is knocking my door down because I mean I think I can even hear the executive screaming from here. What we need for the bachelorette is a 51 year old menopausal feminist comedian. That’s what the show is crying out for. They’re getting sponsored by some lube accompanies. It’s going to be fantastic.

Charles Firth:

Well yes, it does tip on its head the social norms of the digital casting for the bachelorette.

Judith Lucy:

Well, my face moves apart from anything else.

Charles Firth:

That’s one thing.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah.

Charles Firth:

I mean, doesn’t this really threaten the very foundation of entire Australian modern culture? If you were to become the bachelorette, isn’t that the end of the Australian commercial television-

Judith Lucy:

Civilisation as we know it. I think that’s right. I think the temple curtain would be rent in twain. One of my favourite quotes from the Bible. And that yes, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would be saying the trotting down the street. So just be forewarned, this is the end of days.

Charles Firth:

So will you hear now disavow all links to this campaign?

Judith Lucy:

Oh, I can honestly tell you that if they approached me I would consider it and they have in fact approached me to do another show called The Spinster and that’s going to be really exciting because instead of male contestants, they’re just going to have cats. So I think Australia should just really strap themselves in for that.

Charles Firth:

I can’t wait. This sounds like an absolute ratings triumph, The Spinster. Especially cats, that’ll do well online, don’t you think?

Judith Lucy:

Exactly. It’s a win-win. And I mean, I love the graphics. You know how the bachelorette has the engagement ring, and in the graphic for the spinster they just have a walking frame instead of the letter N. So it’s, it’s sexy. It’s hot. It’s going to get the young people on board and hopefully find me at least a dozen cats to live with.

Charles Firth:

I’m so excited. I mean on this note, are there any other dream screen roles that you have your eye on that we should keep an eye on?

Judith Lucy:

Well, Love Island is the next one on the list. Married at First Sight-

Charles Firth:

So all of them really?

Judith Lucy:

All of them really. Yes.

Charles Firth:

I mean, are there any non relationship type screen parts you could be interested in like super heroes perhaps or-

Judith Lucy:

I was disappointed that they didn’t approach me to cohost with Karl Stefanovic. But that’s another role I thought I was born to play. I think the chemistry between Karl and I would’ve been pretty palpable. But really I’m open to offers. I’m 51 I’ll do fucking anything.

Charles Firth:

We nearly there too dude.

Judith Lucy:

It’s all about keeping your options open at this stage of the game. Every year my career continues is like a tiny miracle.

Charles Firth:

Well, this is the thing, I mean, you did a standup show that was called I failed?

Judith Lucy:

Yes.

Charles Firth:

And yet it’s just quit rather suspiciously, you’d seem to have continued succeeding almost in spite of… I mean, what is it about failure that you find so appealing?

Judith Lucy:

I don’t set myself up for it. It’s not a goal that I’ve actively pursued, but certainly when it came to myself and commercial radio apparently not a great fit. So I just thought when I was sacked best to own that failure and actually do a show called I failed. And I think you’ll note that I have not been approached to do commercial radio since.

Charles Firth:

Did you feel that you failed on your own terms or are you just saying what other people said of you?

Judith Lucy:

I suppose when one hears the words sacked, it generally doesn’t try translate as being a career triumph.

Charles Firth:

It depends where you were sacked from. I mean, do you think commercial radio should be a good thing to be sacked from?

Judith Lucy:

Well, look, I was sacked from napery as a child. I was working in a department store in the napery department.

Andrew Hansen:

What even is a napery, it’s that neck wear, is it?

Judith Lucy:

Well, I’m a little offended. No, it’s not actually, it’s a very serious business Andrew. It’s Tay Towels. It’s doilies. Not to be mistaken with Manchester, but they’re usually fairly near each other and I will always remember… Oh my supervisor, what was her name? Anyway, Mrs Cantors. That’s right. Because she did in fact have quite a horse like quality about her. And I remember her taking me out the back and just saying to me quite bluntly, “I don’t think you’re cut out for napery.”

Charles Firth:

And is that why you got into comedy?

Judith Lucy:

Well what else could I do? Do you know what I’m saying? When the jig was up with doilies, well what else is a girl to turn to if not comedy?

Charles Firth:

And I mean really is that what… like how did you get into comedy?

Judith Lucy:

I’m a failed actor, Charles. It’s really that simple.

Charles Firth:

Right. Failed actors and failed musicians too because I’m a failed musician.

Judith Lucy:

Well of course when I was a little whip a snapper, it wasn’t really seen as a career by any stretch of the imagination. So if I turned to Sister Romuald and said, “I’m going to be a standup comedian.” I think she probably well, would have reported me to the police. As it was when I said I was going to do acting. She told me that she’d known many girls who’d done that course and they’d been swept out to sea. I didn’t know if she meant literally, which sounded terrifying. I mean one minute you studying mime and the next minute you’re drowning.

Charles Firth:

Swept out to sea. So you encountered some resistance when you started doing comedy.

Judith Lucy:

Oh no, this was just to do the theatre arts degree that I did at Curtin University in Perth, which really… Well A, I didn’t finish it and B, degree’s probably quite kind. We really just drank a lot of cacique and massaged each other a lot and played a lot of trust exercises. I think we’ve all been there.

Charles Firth:

That’s theatre school.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah, exactly.

Charles Firth:

That sounds quite legitimate to me. This is the legitimate theater.

Judith Lucy:

Exactly. But then I moved to Melbourne, auditions for the Victorian College of the Arts. I did a dreadful audition. They weren’t interested and I thought, well I still want to perform because I am essentially a wanker. And then I started doing comedy. Well, I actually went and started seeing a lot of comedy and then after a year I thought, gosh I can’t be as bad as some of these people because I went into a lot of try and acts where people were throwing meat into the audience and doing all sorts of mystifying things. And then of course I got up and I was abysmal. But here I am 30 years later. So it’s a happy story and I got better apparently.

Charles Firth:

And who helped you in those early days? Did you have any mentors or role models that you-

Judith Lucy:

No.

Charles Firth:

No. None.

Judith Lucy:

None.

Andrew Hansen:

What about idols?

Judith Lucy:

No, you’re on your own.

Andrew Hansen:

Were there role models though, who influenced your craft?

Judith Lucy:

Not really because I hadn’t seen any standup when I was in Perth. And then when I came to Melbourne I went to the last laugh, which is now no longer with us. And I mean, I saw a lot of amazing acts, like I saw Atlanta on Woodley when there was still a found objects. I saw the Natural Normans and that had people like great Linda Gibson and the wonderful Denise Scott. And I saw people at Greg Fleet and Anthony Morgan. So I mean I was blown away by everyone, but I guess I didn’t see one person and go, “Well that’s what I’m going to do.”

Judith Lucy:

I was just a ridiculous amalgam of things I liked I suppose. The only comedy video I remember watching over and over and over again was Steve Martin’s live video.

Andrew Hansen:

So that’s-

Judith Lucy:

And indeed I saw him and Martin Short the other evening.

Andrew Hansen:

You did. What did you make of it?

Judith Lucy:

Do you know what? It was delightful to spend nearly a couple of hours in their company. It’s not like I’ve completely split my sides. But I mean, they’re both consummate performers and I love them both. And I particularly love Martin Short, it’s just raw desperation. He’s basically up on there just screaming like me, like me. He tend and I did.

Andrew Hansen:

He does. Doesn’t even go. He will go to great lengths sliding.

Judith Lucy:

Absolutely. Whereas Steve Martin does have, I think maybe just a modicum of dignity, which I think Martin Short say goodbye to like myself sometime ago.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh and me likewise. We’re a bit suspicious of this collusion with Denise Scott actually.

Judith Lucy:

She’s a bad egg.

Charles Firth:

She’s on a lot of our watch lists actually. What was the origin of you working with her?

Judith Lucy:

Well, I was in fact approach by Denise Scott and the aforementioned like right, Linda Gibson many years ago to do a show with them for the Melbourne Comedy Festival, which we called Comedy is not Pretty, which is indeed a Steve Martin quote. You see it all goes around, it’s all connected. And then a few years later we did Comedy is still not Pretty and not long after that… Well, in fact while we were hosting that show, this isn’t a happy story. Linda’s ovarian cancer returned and she died and we were actually…

Judith Lucy:

Yeah. While Linda was dealing with her illness, we were actually doing the show and I mean it was obviously a very difficult experience and Linda was actually incredible, to say that she dealt with her cancer head on, we would turn up to a rehearsal, Scotty and I and Linda would have written a sketch, which was about Scotty and I arguing over who should give the eulogy at her funeral.

Andrew Hansen:

Wow, really? Did that sketch make into the show?

Judith Lucy:

It did. It did. Actually, it was an incredibly difficult show to do for very obvious reasons, but we were all very proud of that show. I normally never say things like this but it won some Green Room Awards and yeah. And to be honest with you, after that, it was just like… I mean, something like that is obviously going to be an incredible experience that you don’t ever forget. And so it’s just a joy to be able to continue to work with Scotty and we… I don’t know, Linda is always the missing person when we’re on stage obviously. But yeah. Yeah. There you go. That was hilarious.

Andrew Hansen:

It was an amazing story.

Charles Firth:

Did she ever have any bad suggestions, but it was very hard to say no to her because she was dying of cancer? She must’ve been been looking at the world with great wisdom as she was dying.

Judith Lucy:

Well, I have to say, having known, unfortunately a number of people who have died of cancer, that’s not always the case, but it was actually the case with Linda. Linda did actually, Scotty talks about it as well. She and her partner and their house mate, the wonderful cell uptown threw their home open. So people would just around all the time, we were always just drinking and eating and hanging out with Linda and she did actually become this beacon of love without sounding like a dick because Linda had been quite an angry person. I don’t think she would mind me saying that because she was angry about the stuff that you should be angry about. She was angry about all the injustices of the world.

Judith Lucy:

But all of that just sort of melted away. And she was just incredible to be around. And I don’t really know what she wound up believing in the end, but she talked a lot about just God being love and you really felt that when you walked into that house. So it was an amazing experience. And having gone through that, it’s like when Scotty and I work together now to say that we’re not exactly precious when it comes to, “Well is that gag working or not?” Is a bit of an understatement. So it’s fantastic to be able to work with such a close buddy. And we’ve been through a lot together.

Charles Firth:

You’ve said that straight men tend not to make up a huge portion of your audience.

Andrew Hansen:

No. Well, that wasn’t Judith, no, a review, a reviewer said that.

Judith Lucy:

But that is also because it’s a point that I make in the show.

Andrew Hansen:

Okay. You said that too.

Judith Lucy:

And in fact I as part of the latest show, I actually get the whole audience to put their hands up and I say, “Put your hands down if you’re a woman and or a member of the LGBTQI community.” That already gets rid of many, many people. And then the few remaining hands that are left I say… Because that obviously leaves us with the straight men. And I say, “Well put your hands down if you came with someone from the first group and it was their idea.” And that generally leaves us with about six people out of a fairly large audience.

Judith Lucy:

And then just for my own amusement, I’ll say, “And this is just for me, keep your hand up if you’re in a position to do so and you’re willing to have sex with me.” But that has never actually worked. So that’s a shame. But no, straight men, not a big part of my demographic. It does have to be sad. And I’m finally owning that at the age of 51, it’s time to just admit it.

Charles Firth:

The thing is the government is thinking of putting in quotas-

Judith Lucy:

Oh really?

Charles Firth:

… to require straight men to be a certain proportion of every audience.

Judith Lucy:

Well honestly, Charles, I’ll take anyone’s cash. I don’t care. You could be done binary, pansexual, you could be sexually fluid, you come along, give me your money.

Charles Firth:

What sort of measures would you put in place to increase your straight men audience?

Judith Lucy:

Absolutely none. Absolutely none. If the government is going to be subsidizing the straight men, then surely that’s enough, but that implies that the government’s going to be paying straight men to come to my shows. So I think it’s a win-win. They get money. I get their money and the world of show business goes on.

Charles Firth:

Andrew can, can we just go outside for a second?

Andrew Hansen:

Speaking of straight men walking out. Let’s just step outside.

Judith Lucy:

Oh, this is interesting.

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah. It’s scary, isn’t it? Sush in there please.

Judith Lucy:

Oh, sorry. I forgot you’re outside.

Andrew Hansen:

We’re outside having a little titter tatter about all these.

Judith Lucy:

Okay. I’m not here.

Andrew Hansen:

Now, we’re doing pretty well, aren’t we Charles with the… We thought she’d have absolutely make mincemeat of us.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah. But we’re completely-

Andrew Hansen:

I think we’re come across very charming and that’s all I would care about.

Judith Lucy:

I wouldn’t be so sure.

Andrew Hansen:

What’s she doing out here, get her in.

Judith Lucy:

Clutch onto that straw.

Andrew Hansen:

Back inside please.

Judith Lucy:

Ouch. What are you doing? Get your hands off me.

Andrew Hansen:

Now that’s a good question, what are we doing Charles?

Charles Firth:

Well, I mean there’s some questions that just in looking at the foul notes. I think you’re looking at the motivation. Should we ask her about her parents?

Andrew Hansen:

Well, I think she’s into personal stuff, isn’t it? It’s a shtick. So she might be willing to divulge one or two pieces of information. Should we try that? We will try that. Okay then.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, hello, we’re in the room again. We’re in the room again. Excuse me. I’ll just close this heavy on door.

Charles Firth:

And also you should lock it as well.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh yeah.

Judith Lucy:

Sure.

Andrew Hansen:

And I’ll just get out this taser and just test it.

Judith Lucy:

Ouch.

Charles Firth:

And I’ve got one of those things that soccer fans hold up in the air and spin around. It makes a clacking noise.

Judith Lucy:

And yet we’re not hearing that, are we?

Andrew Hansen:

Well we in post, we are.

Judith Lucy:

Sorry, I forgot.

Andrew Hansen:

This is going to be amazingly produced.

Judith Lucy:

Great.

Charles Firth:

And look, I’ve got an air horn here.

Andrew Hansen:

One of those comedy horns. Fantastic. Very funny, isn’t it?

Judith Lucy:

And I’m sitting on an elephant.

Charles Firth:

I can hear it.

Judith Lucy:

Yes. Isn’t that amazing? How did we get it in the studio? The room, the interrogation room. What a journey we’re all on.

Charles Firth:

Isn’t it fun?

Judith Lucy:

Will it end soon, the journey?

Charles Firth:

Look, we promise. We promise it will. Yes. You probably have to be somewhere.

Judith Lucy:

I have got a physiotherapy appointment.

Charles Firth:

You got a physio appointment. Well, all right, fair enough. Look yes, we’ll let you go very shortly because we can tell you’re not enjoying it very much.

Judith Lucy:

I’m trying. I’m trying very hard.

Charles Firth:

Now you do a lot of personal material.

Judith Lucy:

Yes I said that earlier. It’s good to know that you’re listening.

Charles Firth:

I’ve been paying attention. You reveal to Andrew Denton for instance, that your mum was a pathological liar and now we’ve noticed in the department that things tend to run in families.

Judith Lucy:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Let’s not forget I’m adopted so it’s wide open.

Charles Firth:

Well even, but you can learn behaviours, can you? Do you ever lie? Do you ever lie?

Judith Lucy:

It’s very rare for me to lie because you can take the girl out of the Catholic school. This is how Catholic I am. I mean, I know you heard the Lynette Feeney arm biting story and how I confessed to that, but the only time I’ve ever stolen anything was many years ago in a bottle shop. It was a bottle shop called Chalkies that was attached to a restaurant and it was the only late night bottle shop in Melbourne at the time.

Charles Firth:

Chalkies.

Judith Lucy:

Chalkies. And at one point I was there with my housemate, she went to the bathroom, the guy behind the counter, because they were also waiting on tables. It was attached to a restaurant seal. He actually had to go and take an order. Basically I was left alone in a bottle shop and I was wearing a very big heavy coat and I thought, well this is surely a sign. So I actually stole a bottle of Cointreau, which seemed very exotic and sophisticated at the time. I know it was a strain.

Charles Firth:

Well, of anything in the bottle shop?

Judith Lucy:

Of anything, that’s what I went for. Anyway, cut to me waking up the next day convinced that they would have had cameras convinced that the police were going to knock on the door and arrest me. So that didn’t happen obviously. But then I reckon about 25 years later, are you gentlemen familiar with the writer, performer, comedian, Lou Sanz?

Charles Firth:

Yes.

Judith Lucy:

So I became friends with Lou and we were having a conversation and it turned out her parents owned that bottle shop and she actually invited me to have dinner with her parents and I turned up with a bottle of Cointreau and gave it to her father and apologised. That’s a true story.

Charles Firth:

What was it-

Judith Lucy:

And he called me in an idiot.

Charles Firth:

That was his only reaction?

Judith Lucy:

Yeah, pretty much.

Charles Firth:

That was it? He was fine otherwise.

Judith Lucy:

He was fine.

Charles Firth:

An idiot for choosing the Cointreau or for the theft?

Judith Lucy:

No. I think I was an idiot to have owned up to it and to have actually bought the bottle of Cointreau about 20 odd years later.

Charles Firth:

Probably, yes.

Judith Lucy:

So not a lot of lying. That’s a very long way of answering that question.

Charles Firth:

Still doesn’t look good on your file I’d say, the Cointreau story. You finally figured your choice of drink.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah. I can’t argue with that. Why didn’t I just get a bottle of whiskey or vodka? Why didn’t I do that?

Andrew Hansen:

There were fine French champagne or maybe a Japanese whiskey at the top of the market.

Judith Lucy:

Something like that. Anyway, but I was an idiot. He was quite right.

Charles Firth:

Andrew, can I just see you again?

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, here we go. Yes. We’ll step outside again.

Judith Lucy:

Does that mean it’s over? Can I go now?

Andrew Hansen:

Very nearly Judith. Very nearly, I think. Charles.

Charles Firth:

Okay, so I think we’ve got a-

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah, we just need to wrap it up with a clincher so she can finally go to her physio appointment.

Charles Firth:

I think the thing is we can see that she’s deeply… Well, she’s got a theft on her record now. She did some arm biting-

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah. A bit of collusion with Denise Scott, another known subversive.

Judith Lucy:

You haven’t even heard about the time I was strip-searched.

Andrew Hansen:

What are you doing out here again?

Judith Lucy:

It was in a New Zealand airport.

Andrew Hansen:

Tell us about that.

Charles Firth:

Get back in there.

Charles Firth:

Well, hang on, no, don’t. No, stay out here and tell us about the time you were strip-searched at New Zealand. That sounds fantastic.

Judith Lucy:

Well, I was going through customs and I saw the sniffer dogs and it was one of those things where it just sort of all unfolded very slowly and I knew it was going to happen, but I just didn’t act. Look at the time, I suffered from a lot of insomnia and I may have had a very small butt of marijuana in my bag of tobacco and yeah, they found that.

Judith Lucy:

And then I was strip-searched and I had a couple of female security guards who really made anyone from a prison look pretty happy go lucky. I mean I had to do things like raise my breasts so they could check that I didn’t have any cocaine underneath them and thank God for once Andrew, I didn’t. And then they took me to see this guy who looked at me without utter disgust and said, “Well you realise there’s not even enough here for a joint, don’t you?” I felt like saying, “Sorry for ruining your evening officer.”

Judith Lucy:

And then he said, “And you also realise I could put you on a plane straight back to Australia and never let you into New Zealand again.” And I did really want to say, “But aren’t you meant to be punishing me?” But I felt that would not have gone down terribly well. Anyway, and I’m not making this up. At the same time that I was strip search, so was the band, The Doobie Brothers who also happened to be in New Zealand and arriving at the same time.

Andrew Hansen:

Were they strip searching in the same room as you, at the same time?

Judith Lucy:

No. I heard that this happened when I was released from custody.

Andrew Hansen:

Right. So you didn’t get to see any Doobies flushed before your eyes?

Judith Lucy:

No, no, unfortunately. But yes, so there you go. There’s my record there. That doesn’t look good.

Charles Firth:

No, but no wonder you’re so at ease in this scenario.

Judith Lucy:

Well, I’m stone now. I mean, it’s true I did-

Charles Firth:

Great. You can tell.

Judith Lucy:

… have some medical marijuana only last night. And frankly, I think I’m still on the pineapple express.

Charles Firth:

Yeah. I got you. It shows Judith.

Andrew Hansen:

Let’s just go back into the-

Judith Lucy:

I’m out of my mind. I mean, I am smashed.

Andrew Hansen:

Can we please go back into the interrogation room.

Judith Lucy:

Who are you? Is that where we are?

Charles Firth:

Yes. Come on, back to earth. Back to earth. Now, let’s finally wrap this up.

Judith Lucy:

Please, for the love of God. Get me out of here.

Andrew Hansen:

It’s worse than the Enough Rope interview.

Charles Firth:

You got drugs, you got theft, you got arm biting.

Andrew Hansen:

Yes. Yes.

Charles Firth:

These are all very useful skills for the department.

Judith Lucy:

Great.

Andrew Hansen:

I’m just wondering, could we cut a deal with you where you agree to work for us in the future? You keep an eye on Denise Scott. You keep an eye on-

Judith Lucy:

I do that anyway, to be fair.

Andrew Hansen:

Yeah, and just report back to us about any subversive activities that you see and in return we’ll let you go.

Judith Lucy:

If I say yes, does that mean the interview’s finished?

Andrew Hansen:

We’ll give you a small hint, yes.

Judith Lucy:

Yes. Then I’m in.

Andrew Hansen:

She worked out a way of finishing the interview Charles.

Charles Firth:

How did she get the better of us?

Judith Lucy:

I’m in and I’m going. Goodbye.

Andrew Hansen:

Well, we certainly got the better of her, didn’t we Charles?

Charles Firth:

We totally got the better of her. Judith Lucy.

Andrew Hansen:

She is smarting.

Judith Lucy:

I’ve gone. That’s why I’m not replying to that because I’m no longer in the room.

Andrew Hansen:

Oh, good.

Judith Lucy:

To be fair. Mentally, I did leave some time ago.

Andrew Hansen:

We can tell that as well.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah. That’s another one of my skills.

Andrew Hansen:

Kind of when I started suspecting you are stoned off your nuts.

Judith Lucy:

Yeah.

Charles Firth:

I sort of thought, she’s gone.

Judith Lucy:

But it’s great because where I am, I’m having a really good time. Yeah. Unlike here.

Charles Firth:

I’m glad to hear, glad to hear. Well, enjoy yourself, wherever you are.

Judith Lucy:

I am. I’m having a ball.

Charles Firth:

And we’ll handle the edit.

Judith Lucy:

Okay. Thanks guys.

Charles Firth:

See you.

Andrew Hansen:

Bye. Thank you.

Voiceover:

Extreme Vetting with The Chaser was written and presented by Dom Knight, Charles Firth and Andrew Hansen. Recorded in collaboration with Podcast One Australia. Produced by Alex Mitchell and audio production by Darcy Thompson. Full all episodes, search Extreme Vetting podcast. Listen for free at podcastoneaustralia.com.au or download the new Podcast One Australia app.

 






 

Like us Facebook for more stories like this:


Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!