Sydney’s premier theatre company has today suspended all productions, and put ticket holders up in hotels, after newly unveiled CEO announced immediate staff cuts due to stage performance concerns.

“I have laid off 90% of these ‘actors’ that seem to be making up a large part of our expenses, saving us millions of dollars a year,” explained Alan. “And as thanks for these amazing savings, I will be awarding myself a million dollar bonus.”

Asked why exactly they had decided to hire an airline boss as their new CEO, the Sydney Theatre Company said it was an obvious choice. “The fact is with it’s constant lost baggage and flight cancellations, we don’t know a single company better at producing drama than Qantas,” a representative explained. “Plus we hear they often have queues down the street, so their service must be really good!”