In a bold move to protect itself from the looming threat of Chinese expansion, the Australian government has today announced a genius plan to simply pay China $100 billion to invade New Zealand instead.
The new “Distract-and-Divert” policy has been hailed by all sides as a great compromise, as it is both much cheaper than the previously announced $350 billion nuclear submarine program, and it also means Australia gets to partake in its favorite pastime of messing with the Kiwis.
The Australian government has assured its citizens that this groundbreaking plan is the most sensible option to address the issue of national security. “As the old saying goes,” explained Anthony Albanese today, “if you can’t beat ’em, pay ’em to invade someone else.”
Australian officials have also offered to help China with the invasion, drawing up a detailed map of New Zealand’s picturesque coastline, complete with strategically placed arrows pointing to prime invasion spots, and palmcards to help everyone remember the name of that guy that replaced Jacinda Ardern as Prime Minister.
However, the plan has already backfired, with New Zealand immediately deploying the All Blacks to the front line, ensuring Australia was defeated in about 3 minutes flat.