In a heartwarming display of corporate responsibility, petrol company Exxon Mobil has this week announced that they accidentally made $58 billion profit last year, despite blaming Ukraine for recent price hikes.
When asked about their secret to success, the company’s CEO stated, ‘Well, it’s simple really. We just blame everything on Ukraine and voila, record profits. Who needs to actually lower prices when you’ve got a convenient villain to pin the blame on?’
“Obviously this was completely an accident, and in no way an evil plan to make Joe Biden look like a bad economic manager, while simultaneously enriching ourselves further than most kings,” the CEO went on to say. “But let’s be real, who needs a functioning economy when you’ve got a good scapegoat – we’ll probably just keep doing it, until the whole system crumbles. Or when we get regulated. Haha just kidding, imagine that.”
In related news, the company has also announced plans to construct a statue of a golden gasoline pump in the centre of their headquarters, as a symbol of their unwavering commitment to gouging the consumer at every opportunity.
In a show of generosity, the company has announced plans to donate a portion of their profits to a charity for the victims of their price hikes. “We at Mobil would like to extend our sincerest gratitude to all of our customers for making this possible,” said a tearful CEO. “So as a way of saying thanks, we will be giving all of you a whole bunch of free carbon. Tonnes and tonnes in fact. So much that it’ll still be with your family generations after we’re all gone. Enjoy!”