Concern corporate executives may be replaced after researchers unveil A.I. that can do sweet fuck-all and then award itself a million dollar bonus

In a stunning revelation, researchers at the Open AI Institute have today announced the creation of an AI system that can do absolutely nothing for $5 million a year, in a move that has corporate leaders quaking in their boots.

The AI, which has been trained to speak confidently about any task it knows nothing about, has caused a stir in the business world as many executives are now concerned it is only weeks away from learning to eat powdered donuts and make PowerPoint slides using the word ‘synergies’.

The system has reportedly been trained to attend meetings, nod in agreement, and then go back to its coffee break before awarding itself another million dollar bonus. It’s also able to issue vague statements about quarterly growth and provide empty promises, a development that is set to have devastating effects for the global workforce, just like real corporate boards.

The most controversial aspect of Executive-bot is its ability to do the lack-of-work that would normally require 10 board members. The system has quickly learned to claim difficult economic conditions have forced it to lay off staff, before doubling its own pay as a reward for saving the company money.

“It’s terrifying,” said one executive, “if we’re not careful, the only people left at companies soon will be the people whose essential skills and labor are required for the continued functioning of the corporation!”

“What’s next? Are we going to start adequately paying frontline workers for their labour!? God, it’s like we’re in an episode of Black Mirror!”

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