Church denies any knowledge of Cardinal Pell’s death

Former Cardinal George Pell has been publicly pronounced dead today in an Italian hospital, in a move described by senior Catholic officials as ‘irresponsible’ to declare without knowing all the facts.

“We have stringent measures in place to determine these things” explained the Vatican, “and we deny any such claims that the Cardinal was involved in any death, his or otherwise.”

News of the Cardinal’s alleged demise has already become widespread, leading the church to file several lengthy lawsuits and suppression orders regarding whether George Pell existed, died or ever worked with the Catholic church.

Former worst prime minister ever Tony Abbot released a statement saying the church’s protocols should be respected “This is a matter for the church to determine whether George has in fact died. Maybe the surgeon is misremembering, or is getting him mixed up with someone else, or perhaps they just have an agenda. Anyway he died hours ago so we should all just move on instead of drudging up the past.”

Leaked text messages from Pope Francis however, have cast further doubt on the circumstances, texting his reaction to the news with “Lol #hugeiftrue”

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