Gosh, we are so deeply concerned

PM Albanese with a special letter about Israel, Gaza and Valentines Day

This newsletter is brought to you by Wankernomics 2.0. (This isn’t a joke for once, the tour starts this week and tickets are available)

Dear Australia,

This week my federal government has made it clear that we are deeply concerned about the events unfolding in Rafah. In the same way that we have been deeply concerned with the events unfolding in Gaza for the last 130 days, events that obviously don’t need mentioning or condemning.

Israel is a good friend of myself and my government. I think we all know what it’s like when a good friend goes a bit off the rails. I mean, who hasn’t stuck by a friend while they potentially destroy an entire country’s civilian population?

As Australians, we all understand mateship. We all have experienced a mate going down a wrong path. We all know that the best thing to do is say nothing for months and then go “I don’t know mate, this might be a bit much but of course if you want to, go right ahead”.

Then after that brutal talk, you immediately show full support for their actions in private and supply them with whatever they need to keep going. For some it’s giving a struggling alcoholic more alcohol, for us it’s encouraging the IDF by giving them more weapons.

You never abandon a mate during hardship, unless of course that mate is Palestine.

My government has always supported an immediate ceasefire, except for the months of bombings when we said we don’t support one. But now we support a ceasefire. The violence must stop as soon as Israel decides they’ve had enough of drone striking schools, hospitals and refugee camps.

We are deeply concerned about the real risk that these drone strikes have of giving IDF soldiers controlling the drones a serious case of carpal tunnel syndrome.

We are also deeply concerned about a range of other factors. We are concerned about our staffers working tirelessly to delete all the complaint emails about our support of Israel. We are concerned by Aussie student’s missing school to protest against our support for destroying Palestinian schools. But most of all, we are deeply, deeply concerned for my polling numbers.

Which is why I call for an immediate ceasing of the posts that compare me now to back when I cared about the existence of Palestinian people. The damage those posts are doing to my social media presence is nothing short of a tragedy.

But Australia, it is also important to remember that in trying times like these, there is still hope and love. Just this week I personally got engaged to my lovely fiancé. It was a Valentine’s Day I won’t forget. Of course, as a man of tradition, before proposing I made sure to ask for permission. I didn’t want to do anything without Joe Biden’s approval first.


Anthony Albanese

Prime Minister of Australia
(This message is authorised by J.Biden. Democrat Party. Washington)

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