A list of all the things that cutting immigration could solve

A special letter from Peter Dutton

Hello fellow human Australians,

Peter Dutton here to talk to you all about the biggest issue plaguing this country: immigration. I am sure it is the main thing you are thinking about when going through your day-to-day life.

Immigrants come to this country and they say “I am here to ruin this country.”

You just need to look at the housing market right now. I mean it is estimated that a bit over one hundred thousand houses have been bought by foreign investors. Clearly that is the sole cause of the shortage of millions of houses in Australia.

The only people who should be hoarding Aussie houses are true blue rich Aussie patriots trying to protect our shores from foreigners!

But it’s not just the housing crisis that is caused by immigrants. There are many more things that are to blame, including:

  • The Economy
  • Petrol prices
  • Traffic
  • The Hague wanting a warrant for Netanyahu
  • My polling numbers
  • The noise your mate’s car makes
  • Burnt coffee
  • Socks disappearing in the wash
  • North Melbourne’s footy season
  • The only carspot available having both the cars next to it parking over the line
  • Really gross and unnecessary vegemite ‘crossover’ items
  • The BBC getting most the money from Bluey
  • Pens running out of ink
  • Work emails with the phrase ‘as per my last email’
  • One person going for a hug while the other goes for a handshake
  • Unskippable youtube ads
  • TikTok videos of men in wigs making the same annoying impression of women
  • BMW drivers not knowing how to use their blinker
  • When the pull tab on a can breaks off before the can opens
  • Self-serve checkouts saying ‘unexpected item in bagging area’
  • Hubbl ads

If you want the end to all of these issues, remember to vote for the Coalition in the next election and do not, under any circumstance, ask us how immigration policy would actually work.


Peter Dutton

Leader of Opposing

More Newsletters