Recently single Clayton man, Dean Ennis, has crafted an elaborate, Stasi-inspired disguise to avoid running into any familiar faces on his weekly Sunday arvo shopping run.
In what is becoming a depressingly regular occurrence, Ennis has gone to the extreme lengths to dodge awkward run-ins during his only opportunity to re-stock his home fridge and pantry, which inadvertently end up as barren and soiled as his heart each Sunday.
“Every time I am hungover as fuck and looking like a piece of shit at the shops I end up running into a work colleague or an old friend I really don’t want to see,” said Ennis.
“Yes I’ve broken up with Amy. Yes it’s tough. Yes I was out until 4am this morning singing karaoke with a pair of Estonian rugby players I met randomly after I bummed a smoke off them at Chapel St. Now please just let me buy my bananas and Quick-Eze in peace.”
“And don’t even start me on the ‘say goodbye in the fruit section and then run into you four more times before the checkout’ schtick. I hate it.”
Ennis had initially tried to vary his shopping routes at random and hard to reach supermarkets but even then found it difficult.
“It’s like I was cursed. I’d be one of only three people shopping in a Camberwell Asian grocer and the other two people would just happen to be my ex’s mother and the guy from high school who’s name I can’t remember.”
Ironically, Ennis has now been listed as an ASIO person of interest after being spotted looking shifty in so many public meeting places.