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Fears for Antony Green’s safety after ABC forced to rethaw him from cryofreeze twice in two months

A team of biomedical engineers are providing around the clock care to ABC election analyst Antony Green, after colleagues noticed an adverse reaction to his most recent reanimation from cryofreeze.

The seemingly ageless Green has been rolled out again in preparation for the upcoming Federal election.

“Everybody knows we rely on Antony come election time – he’s the most trusted and respected electoral analyst in Australia’s history and is as synonymous with election night broadcasts as Graham Richards’ sweat patches,” said ABC Chief of Content, Suzie Sparks.

“People often remark that they feel like Antony’s been around forever. But that’s not entirely true: he was actually born in 1882 and has only been providing expert insight into Australian elections since Federation. He was successfully frozen by the Chamberlain government in ’32 for the benefit of future generations.”

Traditionally, Green would only be reanimated once every three years for a Federal election. But with the increase in pressure on ABCTV from the 24/7 news cycle and social media, the producers have been raising him from cyrosleep with increased regularity – including for state elections.

With the Federal election being called so soon after NSW’s, they were forced to reanimate only weeks after last putting him to sleep, pushing his support system into overdrive.

“We noticed he started glitching during the morning cross to News Breakfast. His mood was swinging more violently than Bennelong in ’07. Virginia asked him about bellwether seats and he said to look out for Monaro-Eden. Then he called Michael ‘Mr Morecroft’ and said he was predicting a Keating majority.”

The support team will be doing everything in their power to keep Green alive until April 18th, including bi-hourly booster shots of Barry Cassidy’s blood.


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