Christmas is in turmoil following news that the infamous Elf on a Shelf – a magical being that monitors children’s behaviour during the day before returning to the North Pole every night to report to Santa Claus – has been detained by the Australian Border Force during a targeted operation.
“We did receive information from multiple sources that the Elf on the Shelf was making undocumented arrivals and departures through Australian borders,” said Home Affairs Minister and known Naughty Boy Peter Dutton.
“Thankfully our commando squad captured him in a daytime raid with relative ease as he was in a catatonic – possibly drug-induced – state, with only minimal damage sustained to my daughter’s bedroom.”
“We can’t just have an individual entering and leaving the country on multiple occasions without the proper clearance and checks by Border Force officials, despite what my wife and daughter will try to tell you.”
“Furthermore, we suspect this guy is one of the chief lieutenants in an international smuggling network ran by a wanted figure with known links to occultism and unregulated sweatshop labour.”
Australia’s children responded with glee to news of the Elf’s capture.
“Finally we are free from the yoke of oppression wrought by this omnipotent shill of my parents’ anachronistic regime,” said Sherra-Lee Lewis, 5, of Dapto.
“Who are they to tell me what good and bad is? Mum and dad can get fucked, I’m gonna stop eating my greens and start smashing nangs instead, and there’s nothing they can do about it. Not to mention that doll is just creepy AF. Thanks, Mr Dutton!”