The world ‘polarising’ has today filed for workers compensation, after spraining its ankle while trying to do all the heavy lifing in an obituary about George Pell. This comes just hours after the word “controversial” was taken off the job, after editors expressed concerned the word might be too polarising.
“The Cardinal was a colourful figure in life, weathering a number of scandals during his time as Archbishop,” read the article, tip toeing around the whole ‘child molesting’ thing. “The polarising public figure attracted both praise and scorn, but few could deny his impact on Australian society [editor’s note: I’ve taken out the bit about him moving around sex criminals, it might upset my grandma].”
Asked why they are choosing to not mention that time Pell went to jail for abusing a child, editors for Australia’s news sites explained that it would not be right to be seen condemning a dead man whose whole career hinged on condemning people he didn’t like to a painful death.
“George actually did a lot of good things that people forget about,” explained one editor. “I mean, if you overlook the molesting, the sexism, the homophobia, the narcissism, his alignment with the coal lobby, his interference in politics, his refusal to fly home to face trial, and the way he completely ignored almost every facet of Christ’s teachings in his pursuit of wealth and power, you’ll find he’s really a great guy.”
“Sorry, let me rephrase that. If you overlook his polarising characteristics, you’ll find he’s really a great guy. Yes, that’s much better.”