Shelves at Woolworths stores across Australia have been overloaded with a sea of returned toilet paper today, following a report by the World Health Organisation confirming that toilet paper is the main source of the coronavirus outbreak.
“If you’ve got six maybe eight rolls in your house you should be fine,” explained the lead WHO scientist, “but anyone that has come into contact with two or more bulk packs in the last twenty four hours is almost certainly going to die.”
Doctors say the only cure for the toilet-paper induced coronavirus is to immediately stock up on copies of 65 page staple bound paperback magazines, such as the Chaser Quarterly. “Buy as many as you possibly can, cover your entire house with them,” scientists warned, “in fact, buy everything in the Chaser’s shop just to be safe.”
Asked what other products may cause the coronavirus, scientists said that petroleum and coal products probably play a role too. “I’d strongly suggest avoiding any and all machinery that involves the use of petrol or coal,” said one chief scientist, “also you should brush your teeth twice a day, stand to one side of any escalator to let others pass, and always make sure you indicate when merging in traffic. These small steps could mean the difference between you living or dying of coronavirus.”
“Also you should probably have sex with lots of scientists. You know, just to be safe.”
The Chaser Quarterly