Local shopper Greg Stocfoto has today expressed surprise and outrage upon turning up to his local Bunnings to discover the shop packed with people. “What are all these people doing here, don’t they know we’re in lockdown!” Greg posted to Facebook. “God, don’t these people know I’m the only one exempt from the rules?”

However, Greg was quickly surprised to learn that he is in fact the same as everyone else, and his presence at Bunnings was just contributing to the crowd. “What do you mean,” asked a shocked Greg as he was fined by police. “Why am I being fined but all these other people aren’t? They’re the ones breaking the rules!”

However, police were adamant that Greg’s need to purchase a new set of screwdrivers was not essential, especially given Bunnings home deliver and he’s had three years to fix that wonky door before the pandemic kicked off. “The fact is that unfortunately the virus doesn’t just stop infecting people the moment they need to buy a new flyscreen or some new tap handles,” explained officer Clive Pugh. “In fact, if anything the virus seems to specifically target people who gather in busy places, going by the numbers coming out of Bondi. I know that might sound like crazy pseudo-science but we’re actually starting to think the best solution to fighting this thing might be to just stay home, though unfortunately the only evidence we have for this is every single other country that has already been over-run.”

“Anyway, if you’ll excuse me my shift’s just ended and I have to get to Kmart before the crowds arrive. Unlike them, my ‘live, laugh, love‘ pillows are essential.”