Former President Donald Trump has today apologised for grabbing a secret service member’s neck, stating that he had simply mistaken it for a woman’s genitals, which of course would have been fine in the eyes of the electorate.

“When you’re famous they let you get away things like that,” Trump explained. “You can just walk right up and grab them by the neck.”

However, the secret service agent has reported that he felt he was in no danger from Trump’s attack, due to the minuscule size of Trump’s tiny, tiny hands.

Members serving on the committee investigating Trump have stated the new revelation is damning evidence that he was actively attempting to overturn the election in order to turn America into a dictatorship, and that he will almost certainly suffer a light slap on the wrist for this.