National Disaster Scott Morrison has today reiterated that coal won’t hurt anybody, while slowly being submerged in rising floodwaters. “Don’t be afraid, it won’t hurt you” laughed Morrison, as a shark devoured his Education Minister, “this is all perfectly normal.”

However, some insane members of the loony Greens hit back at the Prime Minister, stating that Parliament is not normally submerged under 3 metres of water, and this is actually the time to panic. “Look I don’t want to sound hysterical, but after 3 straight years of disasters I’m starting to think maybe the scientists were right,” said one shill to Big Windfarm. “Call me crazy but wouldn’t it be easier to maybe just use all the solar energy we have available in this giant mostly desert country, instead of relying on destroying the only planet we can live on?”

However, coalition members have shut down such suggestions, stating that it’s imperative that Australia keeps producing coal, as stopping coal mining would make it really difficult for 3 billionaires to purchase their 8th yacht.