The man assigned by the government to secretly monitor your COVID app has today expressed how sad it is that you only have that many contacts.
“God that’s just depressing,” explained Agent Johnson as he snooped in on your private data. “Have you even snuck out once for a bit of illegal fraternising yet?”
Experts at ASIO agreed that you really should get out more, and that your Facebook friends list is kindof small compared to other people too. “What have you got like 150 friends on there? Geeze, I’m up to over 2000 by now,” sighed the agent. “And I bet you don’t even talk to most of them anymore too, do you?”
Asked for comment Prime Minister Scott Morrison agreed that you are really lame, and that quarantine or not those numbers are pretty terrible. “Haven’t you even been outside of your bedroom to talk to other people?” he asked. “I think we’re going to have to implement a new non-social isolation rule just for you – I don’t think you’re at any risk of catching COVID looking at these numbers.”
If you enjoyed this article, consider becoming a contributor to the Chaser Beer Fund. For just $7 a month you can help us employ 20 more interns.