Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today broadcast a touching and heartfelt message to all the Australians who will be left homeless this Christmas due to the out of control fires ravaging the country, stating that they will be in his heart and in his mind as he plays beach volleyball on the Hawaiian islands today.
“I feel your pain, and I want Australians to know that I am there for you,” said Morrison as he stood 9000km away dressed in swimwear from the waist down, “I may not be there physically, or even mentally, but rest assured I am doing you all a favour by not being there at this time of national disaster like Tony would be, lapping up the cameras while standing on the remains of someone’s home.”
“Rest assured, while I am not there in person, I have left the best people in charge, who I have complete faith in,” Morrison told the camera. “Right well thank god that’s done. Now let’s get back to enjoying these Coronas on the beach before that fucking moron McCormack cocks everything up like he always does and I’m forced to fly back to that godforsaken hellhole and deal with all those idiots who keep voting us back in. Wait, what do you mean we’re still rolling?”