Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today begged Australians to stay in their homes unless their job is essential, which is every Australians job, or also if they just want to pop down to the shops for some board games, which are also essential.

The announcement was made during the Prime Minister’s bi-weekly national address on the status of bootcamps, during which he also accidentally mentioned the much less urgent update that all house guests are now banned in between scolding the public for not better understanding the government’s cryptic riddles. “As I was saying from now on bootcamps can only have two people attend, unless there is also a wake being held nearby in which case you may have up to ten people but only if they are not about to get married or doing barre,” explained the PM. “This couldn’t be clearer guys. Anyway I have to go, Jenny’s being naughty again, oh and also nobody can visit your house now, bye.”

The government has also today announced that police will be roving the streets, handing out random $1000 fines to anyone caught not following the rules, or also following the rules, because even the police aren’t really sure what people can and can’t do at this point. “Yea we want to enforce this stuff and put the fear of god into people, so we’ve just been going around fining people and hoping they don’t question it,” explained local detective Clive Pugh. “Just a few minutes ago I fined a mother and daughter for walking too close to each other. Is it illegal? Fucked if I know. But I can assure you they won’t be doing it again soon, as soon as they work out what it is that they were doing.”