The state of NSW has been placed in immediate quarantine tonight following an outbreak of public illness that threatens to overrun the public health system. Doctors in wards across Australia were forced to leave dry heaving patients in corridors and carparks as the supply of beds ran short, following the revelation that the NSW Premier had been secretly in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a former MP.
“Oh god, I think I’m going to be ill,” exclaimed thousands of New South Welshites this afternoon. “I hergh…. I don’t think I can huergh… Oh god sorry I have to HEURGHHGH. Oh dear I hope those weren’t new shoes.”
Doctors say they believe this to be the worst public health crisis to hit the state since Barnaby Joyce’s sex life made headlines in 2018. Contract tracers have already been deployed to find anyone else who has had sex with the MPs, with millions praying that no linked cases are found. “Gosh could you imagine if they were swingers too,” said one woman dry heaving out of her car window. “So much for social distancing, why couldn’t they just keep 1.5m apart like everyone else.”
Doctors have suggested anyone suffering from symptoms of MP scandalitis immediately inject their eyes with bleach. “It probably won’t cure you,” explained one doctor, “but at least you’ll never have to see a headline like that again.”
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