Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today been handed a Guinness world record after successfully kicking the most consecutive cans down the road of any living person. “There will be a day to discuss war crimes committed during the Afghanistan war,” said the Prime Minister. “But a press conference about the Afghanistan War held during a week when war crimes have been the top news story for days is simply not the right time.”

The delay of the discussion about war crimes is just the latest in a string of cans kicked down the road by the federal government, including the promised 2020 budget surplus, the March vaccine rollout, the arts rescue package, the bill that would prevent gay kids being expelled from schools, the federal ICAC, the income tax cuts, the dairy trading system, the shell company register, and his 2020 summer getaway to Hawaii.

Asked what he thought of the ABC editing a video of women twerking, Morrison was more receptive, deciding that a discussion about the casualties of war was the appropriate time to take a shot at the national broadcaster. “Any other questions?” asked Morrison. “Maybe my thoughts on Vera, or what the lottery numbers will be? I’ll take literally any question except stuff about soldiers who fought in Afghanistan.”