Sydney has been declared safe again today by police, after a pair of violent thugs were brought into the station to grab some coffee before finishing their night beat.

“We have successfully eradicated the threat of 80 year old men innocently standing around in public spaces,” declared the elated Police Commissioner today before punching a puppy in the face. “No longer will the public have to walk the street in fear of being attacked, unless they’re innocently standing around and some police walk by.”

Asked whether they might have to consider the fact that there are serious pathological issues with the types of people that seek out policing roles, a spokesman for NSW police beat the questioner senseless before being investigated and acquitted of all charges by his colleagues.