Hawaiian ex-pat and occasional Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today announced strong new measures to halt the spread of the coronavirus, appointing the national cricket team to head the fight against the virus in the wake of the latest outbreak.
“We’re parachuting these boys into the heart of Victoria,” the PM explained this morning. “After the spectacular job our boys did fighting the bushfires, they are obviously the most qualified to handle this crisis. To assist them, $150 million in emergency funding has been approved to extend the cricket season for the entire year, with a test match every week. We also have another $50 million set aside in case infections start to really get out of control and we need go to two matches a week.”
The Prime Minister assured the public that he will be closely overseeing their efforts, both from his private box at the MCG and via satellite at the government’s newly established coronavirus Response Headquarters in Honolulu.
At a press conference, test captain Tim Paine said that the team is looking forward to the new responsibility. “Things like this are always tough, of course, particularly the amount of time we’ll likely have to spend with Scott Morrison, but we’ve never backed down from a challenge.”
In the hours since the appointment, massive sandpaper shortages have been reported from hardware stores across the nation.
UPDATE: The plan has now been scrapped as the entire national cricket team has since died of coronavirus after being forced to shake ScoMo’s hand.
Jack Mulrooney and Asha Leu
The Chaser Quarterly