The Morrison government has today declared an emergency meeting with Parliament House staff, after learning that some people were having orgies in the building’s prayer rooms. “This is completely not on,” said Morrison to colleagues. “In this house we only pray to one higher power, and that’s Rupert Murdoch.”

“If you want to use the prayer room for anything other than its intended purpose of gratuitous hedonistic orgies, then I’m afraid that’s just not on.” Morrison lectured staff. “I understand that people have needs, and with such long hours its inevitable two people might find themselves bonding over the majesty of Christ, but if you want to take that to the next level then do it in the privacy of your own homes where your colleagues won’t have to hear you shouting ‘oh God’ from the next room.”

Asked whether this ban on worship would extend to himself given past practices, Morrison said though he has slipped up in the past, he’s made great strides to not bring his beliefs into parliament since becoming Prime Minister. “I haven’t brought a lump of coal into the office in months, and I’ve taken down my photo of the all mighty Gina,” explained Morrison. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a booking in the prayer room. The vaccine rollout isn’t going to fuck itself.”