There has been a run on laxatives in stores today as shoppers frantically try to justify the 200 rolls of toilet paper that they have stashed in their basements.

“When I saw everyone else loading up on toilet paper I thought it must have been important so I did the same,” said one frantic laxative shopper John Bog. “But then when I got home I realised people were just buying it for the coronavirus, and I felt like a right idiot. Now I’ve gotta justify having 50 multipacks of toilet paper in my bathroom or the wife is going to have a fit.”

With laxatives in short supply shoppers were said to turn to other, equally effective products, with service stations across the country selling out of their pre-packaged ham sandwiches in minutes. “This oughta do the trick,” said one happy shopper as he bit into a fresh sandwich from Marrickville’s Vietnamese Roll store. “Oh god, oh no, it’s too powerful, quick, get the napkins!”