The Federal government has today pledged they will ensure that no young person will be locked out of the housing market under their watch, pledging to provide 4 million bootstraps for Millenials to pull themselves up by to help offset the 30% year on year increases. “I’m afraid that’s the best we can do,” shrugged the Prime Minister before splurging on another $3.5 billion tank. “Unfortunately we can’t just give people things for free so you’re all just going to have to be homeless. In other news, I just spent $6 billion to not purchase some submarines.”

Asked whether he thought a majority of the population paying 30% of their income to a small number of rich investors might have some negative long term consequences, Morrison looked confused. “Long… term… sorry I’m not sure I’m familiar with that phrase?” said Morrison scratching his head. “Planning ahead you say? Oh you mean like letting something bad happen and then trying to come up with solutions on the fly? Yea I do that all the time.”

However, the government soon backflipped on their pledge to do nothing, after learning that housing has become so expensive even some private schools students can no longer afford a third investment home. “Right, shut down the food supply!” Frydenberg was heard screaming. “If these lazy 40 year old kids stop wasting all their money on pointless things like eating, they’ll be able to afford a deposit in no time.”