The federal government has announced today that all students who fail more than 50% of their classes will no longer be able to access government education loans, in an attempt to force all failing economics and maths students to get a job as a government minister.
“We can’t have these complete incompetent buffoons wasting valuable government money on an education they’re not completing,” explained treasurer Josh Frydenberg today, “when they should be using those skills wasting government money in the workplace, such as in a job in my department. Wait has anyone seen my wallet?”
The government is reportedly also eyeing off failed history students to fill crucial ministerial positions relating to education and aboriginal resources. “We’re looking for people with a complete lack of knowledge about basically everything beyond ‘Cook arrived made everything good’,” explained the Prime Minister today. “None of this ‘nuance’ or ‘people are still suffering the consequences of settler collonialsim’ nonsense. If it’s not the kind of boiled down history that can be gained from staring at a nice statue in a park for 5 seconds then we don’t want it.”
The government has also announced that they hope forcing failing students to leave university will create a surge of young people entering the workforce, which is currently bursting with opportunities for one young person. “We have been told that there is up to three jobs that aren’t currently filled across Australia, so we really need to boost those employment figures,” explained the Minister for Unemployment. “Well, when I say jobs, they’re more unpaid internships, but you’ve gotta start somewhere. Shame they all require eight years experience and a masters degree.”
“In any case pushing all these underqualified and unmotivated people into the job market will finally get them off the government teat,” he continued. “Finally these young people can stop leeching off the government by getting an education and instead idle around at home on centrelink for the next few years. Problem solved.”