Northern Rivers residents have been baffled by a government report today, which has stated that Australia’s environment might not be as pristine and untouched as promised by her local MP. “We’re a country of extreme weather” she explained, bending to snag a family heirloom floating past. “It’s just part of living in Australia that all your home and worldly possessions get washed away now and then.”

Ms Amanda Kemp, who moved away from the hustle and bustle of Sydney for a green change, said she was surprised to find out that at least the four most recent ‘once in a lifetime weather events’ were actually the result of poor environmental management.

“First you all complain rural property is getting too expensive, now you’re all complaining that flood zoning has made them all worthless!” she sighed. “Make up your minds.”

Meanwhile, a representative of the Department of Agriculture, Environment, Water Resources, Farming and Whatever else we can’t be bothered managing properly stated the report was “shocking and unprecedented”.

The Australian government has promised swift action on the report, appointing several former mining executives to a special think tank to figure out how the Australian people can fix this on their own.

“It’s clear that the Greens are to blame for this,” a former executive from Santos stated, “We just have to work out how.”