A Byron Bay man has confirmed he is social distancing purely through the power of his mind. Investment manager turned woodworker River Sand (formerly Grogan Klemp) said that he does not need to be physically separate from his partner as he can simply ‘astral project’ himself slightly further down the sofa.

Astral projection is the practice of travelling outside one’s physical body to another location, real or fantasy, and is popular among followers of new age medicine. It is also known as ‘pretending’.

Sand said “This situation is what Sylvania and I have been preparing for. Despite the high transmission rate of the novel coronavirus there is no need for us to be apart as we can simply astral project ourselves a bit further away. It’s very effective, just like homeopathy. For example, I could probably even put my staff right into her yoni as long as I imagined I was having a walk on the beach at the same time.”

Asked what will happen if either contract COVID-19, Sand replied “Luckily we’ve got the shitload of cash I made before I moved up here, plus her Instagram money, so we’ll just go to a private hospital on the North Shore and wait it out.”