Former Nationals leader and committed rootrat Barnaby Joyce has claimed that snakes are more dangerous to Australians than the coronavirus – specifically his beetroot-coloured trouser-snake, which carries the major health risk of giving female colleagues a child that looks like Barnaby Joyce.
Epidemiologists have warned that Joyce’s genes are now spreading more rapidly than COVID-19, and that unlike the coronavirus, wearing a face mask is no protection – indeed, women are significantly more likely to go to bed with him if he’s wearing one.
Joyce has made light of the current crisis. “I never listen to experts, whether it’s climate scientists or my GP telling me to use protection or I’d end up having six kids,” he said. “Besides I bet I can breed new Australians way faster than the coronavirus can kill them.”
The former Nationals leader’s latest bizarre public outburst has led several of his colleagues to back Joyce in his next leadership challenge to the current leader Whatsit McSomething. “Joyce is the future of Australian politics,” one Nationals MP said. “At the rate he’s going, half the voters in the country will soon have been sired by Barnaby Joyce.”
But other Nationals are extremely concerned about the coronavirus. “It is devastating for those over 60,” one senator said. “That means it’ll take out our MPs, our voters – and our policies, which all date back to the 1950s.”