Minister for Au Pairs and guy who mysteriously ended up with millions of dollars of property after a brief career as a police officer, Peter Dutton, has today hit back at claims he is corrupt – after giving a company a $800,000 fast-tracked grant only days after they donated money to him. “Any claims I would be influenced by a lawful donation to the LNP are highly defamatory,” said the guy who seriously thinks people would believe companies give donations to politicians out of the goodness of their heart, “and the fact that I have to specifically state that a donation is lawful is certainly not a giant red flag that the whole process is broken.”

The news is just the latest in a string of corruption scandals that have plagued the Liberal party over the last few years, all of which have resulted in extremely harsh punishments, ranging from promotions to Christmas bonuses.

However the LNP have denied that any corruption has taken place, and have categorically stated there is no need for an ICAC. “Apart from this scandal, the sports rorts, the airport overspending, the reef fund, the water holdings, that beach shack, the au pairs, Cormann’s free holiday from a $1 billion contractor, Joe Hockey’s possible involvement in the tendering process for a company he held shares in, Parakeelia, the drug cartel accusations, the franking credits scandal, the accommodation entitlement rorts, the helicopter thing, Stuart Robert’s internet bill, the $30 million Foxtel payout, Angus Taylor doctoring financial records, overpayment of the health services contract given to an ex-party member, the staffer jobs given to coal lobbyists, the misleading election signage, Gladys Liu’s preselection, Robodebt, Peter Dutton’s childcare interests, the $10 million rural grant to upgrade a North Sydney pool, the party hiring a former staffer to lead a corruption investigation, Morrison refusing to release the Sports Rort investigation report, the $300,000 spelling bee website, and Barnaby Joyce’s entire career, apart from all that name one reason we’d need an ICAC.”