Alice Springs residents have today raised the alarm that many Canberra residents are regularly abusing alcohol, cheating on their wives, and turning up to work drunk.
“It’s an epidemic,” said one Northern Territory local today. “It’s high time we put them on some kind of cashless card so we can make sure the millions of dollars they’re getting from taxpayers isn’t being thrown away on hiring escorts for the prayer room.”
The calls come off the back of accusations by Barnaby Joyce that the current government has caused crime to skyrocket in the NT. “Clearly the guy must be boozed to the eyeballs,” explained one onlooker. “He’s already forgotten that he was the one running the country for the last 10 years.”
Accusations of drunkenness have also been levelled against the hosts of Sky News, who repeatedly aired complaints that the media is failing to report on crime in Alice Springs, despite being the largest media company in the country.
“The reality is they’re over run with criminals and anti-social personalities, and we need to bring in the police to intervene before things get worse,” said one Alice resident after watching Sky for about 3 minutes. “Hacking dead children’s phones, spreading lies about stolen elections in America, that presenter that got drunk at the Christmas party and made a woman cry. These people clearly need help, and it’s time we stopped pretending there isn’t a problem.”