Multi billion dollar company Woolworths has today announced that it will be offering customers a free hacksaw with every purchase in a bid to help them pay an arm and a leg for groceries.
“We understand that times are tough and that our customers are struggling to make ends meet,” said a spokesperson for Woolworths. “That’s why we’re offering a hand for those who are struggling. Specifically to buy their hands, which will then be reprocessed into our luxury line of hotdogs.”
The offer has been met with mixed reactions from customers. Some have hailed it as a clever and innovative way to help people save money, while others have expressed concern about the implications of having to dismember yourself just to cover necessities.
“I used to have to sell a kidney just to be able to afford my weekly shop at Woolworths,” smiled one customer. “But now, with the free hacksaw, I can just chop off an arm and be done with it. It’s a lifesaver!”
Others, however, have criticised the move as being irresponsible and potentially dangerous. “I’m not sure if I entirely approve of having to sell your body just to cover the basic needs,” said one concerned shopper. “I’ve heard of price cuts but this is getting a bit ridiculous.”
Despite the criticism, Woolworths has defended its decision to offer free hacksaws with every purchase. “We’re confident that our customers are intelligent and responsible enough to use the hacksaws safely,” said the spokesperson before accidentally chopping off an arm. “And if they do happen to cut off an extra appendage, we’ll be happy to offer them a 5% discount on their next shopping trip. Right after we raise prices by 10%.”