The Woolworths corporation has today announced that any casual staff who are infected by the coronavirus will be entitled to the underpayments that they would normally enjoy.

“At Woolworths we strive hard to make sure all staff aren’t compensated fairly for their work,” said one HR representative today. “Whether it be by understaffing departments so our employees are forced to cut back on lunchbreaks, constantly renegotiating contracts so benefits are exchanged for minor wage increases that don’t even match inflation, or simply by staffing our stores with teenagers and then driving them out before they reach an age where they would have to be paid a proper wage, we never stop trying to ensure we squeeze every dollar out of our employees.”

Retail rival Coles have hit back at Woolworths, promising to go even further by underpaying not only their staff, but also the farmers that supply their milk products. “We know that many of our farmer suppliers have struggled in recent months due to the drought,” announced Coles. “That’s why we’re pleased today to raise prices on all our milk products. Pleased for the shareholders that is, the farmers certainly won’t be seeing any of that money.”