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Tips from the year 2027: A teacher’s guide on how to encourage sex

It’s 2027 and it’s sexually official! The latest findings from the World Sex Organisation show that 0% of adults are even the slightest bit interested in sex (down from 99.93% last year).

In short, we’re in a worldwide epidemic of flaccid trouser lumber and desert-dry foofoos. The cause of this en-masse sex flop? Simple: there are simply too many better things to do. Which means one’s bouncing baps, flappy twats and naughty red bing-bongs now rank lower than the appendix in the Forbes List of Useful Organs.

Just as TV ratings plummeted early this century after people realised their screens could also be used to share photos of milkshakes, so too have instances of sexual congress plummeted in the mid-2030s. Yes, plummeted! Like a wingsuit flyer if he forgot to wear the wingsuit!

According to the world’s leading neuroscientist, North West Kardashian, Ph.D., M.D. (Harvard),the average person in 2037 has access to over six hundred billion types of entertainment more enjoyable than wangling a lady’s bacon frubjubs with a man’s fleshy nether-frond.

Today, 96% of all our pleasurable sensations in life derive solely from receiving ‘Likes’ or‘Favourites’ for our shared photos of milkshakes. So wonderfully has the human brain evolved in the last few decades, the self-affirmation generated by a single ‘Like’ now stimulates our medial forebrain 12 million times more intensely than sexual climax—or 15 million if the milkshakes are sitting in a particularly blinged-up fridge. The remaining 4% of all pleasure comes from drinking milkshakes.

Of course, many believe the extinction of humanity would be pretty damn fantastic for everyone concerned. Including for God, who’d finally be able to stop shaking his head and muttering, ‘What are you dickheads doing this time?!’ And of course bees went extinct back in 2025, and we were all briefly worried but it turned out to be completely fine ‘cos they were just a bunch of stupid bees.

We can already see an example of extinction in action if we look at Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane, where no one lives any more because all the homes are owned by three negatively geared investors, and the rent they charge is so high that everyone has moved to Hobart (incidentally making Hobart the world’s largest city).

The empty cities of Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane are, in most people’s opinions, far better off that way. Traffic has never been lighter, there are no queues, and crime is at an all-time low because there are no footballers or unionists. Best of all, there are none of those baristas who think that because they can work a coffee machine they’re Michelangelo. It’s bloody paradise!

The downside, however, is that no one is around to enjoy the lack of traffic, queues and baristas. That’s why extinction is bad. And that’s why it’s vital that you, as a teacher, do whatever you can to finally get your senior high school students interested in sex.

Good luck!

This article originally appeared in The Chaser Annual 2017: buy it here. 


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