The world has breathed a sigh of relief today, after the United States of America narrowly avoided driving off a cliff and instead just crashed into a wall. The rogue nuclear power was today lauded by the UN for holding an election without civil war or widespread violence, in a sign of just how badly things have devolved in four years.
Celebrating in the street, Americans were said to be overjoyed at the idea that they have collectively chosen to keep their basic human rights. “You know normally getting a moderate who has pledged to do basically nothing would be a bitter disappointment in an election outcome,” explained one reveler, “but compared to the alternative this is the greatest election result of all time.”
“Sure there’s sill a virus, massive inequality, and the Supreme Court can still overturn gay marriage and abortion, thanks to Amy Barrett’s confirmation, but the Democrats can simply stack the bench to block it, which just will lead to Fox News inciting a civil war in revolt, completely destroying what’s left of America,” he commented. “And somehow, this is still the best case election outcome. Who’s ready to party!?”