Home Affairs minister and something Peter Dutton has today accidentally won ‘scariest monster’ at the Parliament House halloween party, in a result that shocked many given that he wasn’t even wearing a costume. Sources are also reporting that Peter wasn’t even officially part of the party, having only dropped by for five minutes to ask Scott Morrison if he could double funding to the Federal Police for more water cannons to use against protestors, when the horrified judges declared the costume party over – handing Peter the prize before the votes had even been counted.
Asked why they were so quick to hand the prize to Dutton, the judges said they were simply bowled over by how Dutton managed to perfectly capture the essence of pure distilled evil. “It wasn’t based on how he looks either,” explained one of the judges, “sure we could have made some cheap shot about the fact that he looks like what would result if Lord Voldemort had sex with a potato,” “but in all honesty there were plenty of scary looking people at the Halloween party. What got Peter over the line was his absolutely horrifying attempts to walk Australia into a police state, bit by bit, and his completely unashamed use of racism to try and drum up votes.”
“Take, for example, the way Peter completely brushed aside the nationwide campaign to keep a much loved Tamil immigrant family from being deported, or the time he made a joke about Pacific Islanders losing their countries due to rising sea levels not knowing there was a boom mic above him, or the time he made up stories about people in Melbourne being too afraid to leave their homes due to ‘African gangs’ in an attempt to swing an election, or the time he said bringing in Lebanese refugees in the 70s was a mistake, or the time he boycotted the Sorry speech to the stolen generation. Or the time he tried to introduce a special visa category for white South Africans because of a white nationalists conspiracy theory, causing a diplomatic incident. The man truly is the greatest monster I’ve ever seen, and that’s why it’s my honour to award him this prize.”