Chief Medical Officer Dr Brendan Murphy has advised anyone experiencing lethargy, stomach issues, pain, guilt, regret or ennui after eating at a Covid-affected McDonald’s not to panic. Dr Murphy explained that the symptoms were probably just because they’d eaten at a McDonald’s.

Employees at two franchises, both in Victoria, have tested positive for Covid-19 after displaying symptoms. Both restaurants have been closed while investigations continue into why you would ever go to work when you had a genuine reason not to.

Dr Murphy said “If you’re feeling like shit, give it a couple of hours. It might be that you’ve eaten too much McDonald’s, too little, or what is euphemistically called your ‘recommended daily intake’.

Wrinkling up his face like a child forced to kiss his nan Dr Murphy continued, “There’s a reason their mascot is called Grimace.”

Diner Paul Little said “I lost my sense of taste around the time I ate there, but I can’t remember if it was before or after deciding to order a Filet ‘o’ Fish.”