The state of NSW is expected to ease gathering restrictions tonight in order to allow Sydneysiders to return to not going out simply because they don’t want to.
“I’m glad the government is no longer forcing me to stay in my home,” explained one Sydney local Joe Smallman from his bedroom. “I was really sick of the government forcing me to do something I probably would have done anyway.”
“Going out is fine if you’re one of those hip trendy Melbourne people, but I came to Sydney for two reasons – to work a soleless job at a bank, and to spend my weekends indoors coming up with excuses for my next brunch cancellation.”
Asked whether they will continue their new trend of going out at every opportunity, people who flocked to Bondi, Bunnings and the country’s various parks said that it was a no-brainer. “Of course we won’t! The only reason we spent every available opportunity going out in public was because we were suddenly told not to,” explained one man returning from Kmart. “Now that I have the option to meet up with my friends for some exercise under my own volition the idea sounds absolutely repulsive.”
Asked why he had decided to ease restrictions early, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said there was no particular reason, before excusing himself to get ready for tomorrow’s Hillsong conference.