Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today scheduled an emergency vacation in response to mounting claims of sexual assault inside Parliament House. “I will be doing everything in my power to address this,” said Morrison, from a deckchair in Honolulu. “But unfortunately I don’t hold a hose mate. This is a matter for the states.”

“Personally I’m shocked and appalled by how this was dealt with,” continued Morrison. “A young woman is assaulted and it is covered up by the Prime Minister’s office, and when asked about it Dan Andrews claims nobody had told him? I’m sorry, but that’s simply unacceptable, and I don’t buy it for a second. Dan should hang his head in shame.”

However some have pointed out that it is actually The Prime Minister’s role to be in charge of the Prime Minister’s office, and that the buck stops with Scott. “So if he’s not on top of what’s going on inside his office, and he’s not around during bushfires, and he’s not managing quarantine, and he’s off building cubby houses in the middle of the pandemic, what exactly are we paying this guy $549,250 a year to do?” asked one concerned constituent. “Oh, we’re just keeping him in the job so that Dutton doesn’t take the wheel? That actually is a great point, that’s $549,250 well spent.”